Tooth, Knife World Not Faggot, Some Dude, Seawhores and Thrones - Turf Club 5/28. And Dolly.

I just reached for a glass of water (because water is good for my body) and in so doing, knocked over the numerous cans of Black Label Beer resting on my nightstand (because Black Label Beer is bad for my body). I am inadvertently taking a stand against unhealthy living. Bottle of Jim Beam, you are next!

This is all beside the point. Obviously.

Here's a drunk music review.

Tonight I went to the Turf Club. I was late in arriving because I forgot my cash card at home. Y'see, I had tucked it into my jeans earlier in the night to walk to the shitty convenience store by my house to buy some chips and some chips and some soda and some soda. This all cost nine dollars and some change. As always, the convenience store clerks gave me some major shit, or rather, as much sh*t as is permitted by their religion, for not taking it away in a plastic bag. I don't get it. Furthermore, a woman in pajamas and Tweety Bird slippers attempted to project a loogie in my direction on the way there. When you look up "loogie" on the googler you are directed to a wikipedia entry called "loogie" which is actually just a redirect to "mucus."

This is all beside the point. Obviously.

Here's the drunk music review.

Turf Club. That's in St. Paul. Tonight was hipster central, or so said my friend. Do curly handlebar moustaches and gigantor ear piercings pierced by mini-sharpies a hipster central make? Well then yes, she was right. I missed the first band, a band called Tooth. When I search on the googler for "TOOTH" and "TURF" I get


Lawn care is a fascinating subject but we are here to discuss taxidermy and so I will point out that I missed the band called Tooth.

I also missed the band called Faggot. This name offends me but I love to do the Tomahawk Chop.

I say I missed them not only because of that lateness and that convenience store and their funny funny jokes about me walking down a busy urban street, carrying uncovered junk food for the world to see, but also because Faggot did not play as billed.

Instead, Knife World played. I missed it, and was bummed out. Like, totally. Bummed.

I missed it tonight, but Knife World is a very good band. You make a two piece band in this town, and it will be good. Try and tell me I'm wrong. Fuck a bass player, man.

Please note:
At this point in my drunk faux music review, I decided I was way too drunk because although Knife World played second, I could not stop typing "Knife World played second to last." Hm. And so I stopped, zonked, didn't wake til morning, and here I am again, now sober.

I still agree with my drunken point that Knife World is a very good band, as are many two piece bands. That dude in Knife World reminds me of Nugent. I think it's the screaming and the strutting and the hair. I'm sure he also carries large guns. I mean, have you seen his arms?

Digressions, digressions. More abundant than carcasses on the grounds of the Michigan Nugent Compound.

After Knife World, some dude played some weird electronic shit. The electronic shit was made weird by the face he was making throughout. He was clearly enjoying himself. It's nice to see a musician enjoying himself so unapologetically. It is indeed a rarity.

Knife World did not play second to last. Second to last was Seawhores. Now this was the first time I had seen Seawhores which, I have been told, is unfortunate. They play quite frequently, and I have been to their shows, but if you haven't noticed I have a strong propensity toward getting drunk and not paying attention to music. Which is why this is a blog about taxidermy, clearly. Seawhores are a loud and fun band. Their drummer is a television. Seawhores make me old. I am too deaf to interpret their music to be loud in my ears but halfway through their set I had to hide in the basement because their music was loud in my head and that makes me old. Check them out if you're not old like me. Check them out if you're old like me but be prepared to hide when they are loud in your head.

Thrones was our headliner for the evening. I was excited to see this dude because of his previous association with the Melvins. I love the Melvins. I felt superior to all my classmates in the junior high because I loved the Melvins. For good reason, because the Melvins are awesome and I was actually superior in at least three-to-four ways. Joe Preston, once the bass player for the Melvins (you will perhaps recall) now fronts Thrones all by his lonesome. The Melvins have cycled through far too many bass players, what, nine hundred at last count? One of whom was Shirley Temple's daughter. That is weird, and here if you are a geek for the Melvins you can geek out over Melvins bassist trivia; note that my comment that they have had nine hundred bass players is an exaggeration as the actual figure comes closer to nine. Fuck a bass player, man.

Joe Preston looks like a nice dude. I would like to take him hunting. His set started off a little slow; droning guitar, don't fall asleep. But as with the ridiculously sludgy, droning noise I'm always guaranteed at a Melvins show, the payoff came soon enough when Preston picked it up a bit and rocked my Lorpen Hunting Socks right off.

Thrones is currently heading west, and is slated to play the Supersonic Festival in Birmingham (UK not Alabama) in July. Here's some Dolly Parton.

Quote of the Day

9mm uzi people go whattaya need that for deer huntin'? ya don't!

amen, brother.

Richard Starkey could beat Neil Peart in a drum-off. Don't believe me? Well fuck you!

What better way to start off a blog about taxidermy and local music than by reviewing the Rush show (Xcel Energy Center, Thursday May 22)? No better way, to answer my own question. No one in the entire world is aware of the existence of this blog about taxidermy and local music, and so there is ample opportunity for me to answer my own questions, though one-by-one, reader-by-reader, that is to, in short order, change, and you, one of the very first readers, may find yourself posing alternative better ways to start off a blog about taxidermy and local music. For example, perhaps one better way would have been to write about local music and not a science-fiction/fantasy prog-rock band from Toronto. Perhaps another would have been to edit the run-on sentence above. However, you, reader, were not present for the inception of this blog about taxidermy and local music and, as such, you do not have a say. Sorry Charlie. Hm.

Anyway.

I won four free tickets to see Rush on the St. Paul stop of their Snakes & Arrows World Tour. Four! Free! Fun! Fantastic! Thesaurus consultation could have made that passage much more festive - wait! I did not win them. They were given to me. Well-timed radio station dialing was not involved. They just kinda ended up in my lap. But it felt like I had won some sort of Fun Fantastic Lottery. The only thing better than free Rush is free Bon Jovi. Just kidding. I'll disclaim that in my mind the two are not even comparable. Nope. And that I don't truly believe Ringo Starr could beat Neil Peart in a drum-off. He was not even the best drummer in the Beatles, or so the story goes.

Free Rush tickets are a hot item, and diplomat that I am, I abode by a (more-or-less) first-come, first-served policy of ticket sharing with friends. After one friend backed out because she was puking (perhaps after joking that she hoped Geddy Lee would fuck me with his nose she actually visualized this image and it caused her to vomit?), I ended up taking three friends - a bass player, a drummer, and a bass player/drummer. Hey look! Now this is legitimately a blog about local music! Eat it.

Because my friends were on time (one), fashionably late (two), and late (three), I had just enough time to down three whiskeys prior to the show. Upon arrival, I drank a beer. Friend three bought me another beer. Friends one and two a whiskey coke each. I am a math whiz and that means I had twelve drinks. No, but I'm that awesome. I ate some peanuts, too.

In any case, I spilled a lot of beer, whiskey and peanuts on my lap and that means I was drunk on a lot of peanuts, and so I cannot provide you with any sort of proper show review except to say that Neil Peart had a rotating drum riser, Geddy Lee's hair was fantastic, and I didn't hear Alex Lifeson screw up even once. I couldn't even begin to tell you if the online petition for Rush to play one song from every album (hasn't been done since the Permanent Waves tour!) was successful as I was too drunk to pay attention to set lists, my 30 seconds of research did not produce a set list, and who cares about set lists? I am tired of inserting hyperlinks, and so if you are curious about this online petition, you're just going to have to look it up. I will tell you that Limelight is not in the top three songs for Moving Pictures and that is some bullshit.

Missed last night's show and feeling bad about it? That would make you a thirty-five year old man. At least, according to the thirty-five year old man sitting behind us, apologizing for his drunk thirty-five year old friend, and saying that I was much too young to be at a Rush concert. Oh yeah? Well I'm drunk. As I was saying, missed last night's show and feeling bad about it? Look up "Backstage Secrets," a HGTV five-part documentary series that goes on the road with Rush. Each installment of the five-hour documentary follows a different member of the Rush crew through a typical day on the road during this tour. The show airs Thursday nights and is a must-see for fans. How convenient, since only thirty-five year old men subscribe to HGTV. Wait, did I call that HGTV? Why yes I did. That would be HD. HG is for women, whipped men, and the gayzzzzzz. HDTV and Rush are for MEN!

OH! And I'll bet it was at the end of this song that Peart's riser started rotating. I'll just bet.

Look for Rush to tour again. And again. And again and again and again for the rest of eternity.

Today's Taxidermy Tip - Field Care

Good taxidermy begins with good field care. Taking care of your trophy, whether you are on the lake or in the field, provides you with the best looking mount possible.

• Minimizing damage - Your shot, hook or trap will always cause some type of damage, and when it comes to damage, less is more. You want to damage your trophy just enough to kill it, but don't want to destroy it. If you have taken several animals, such as pintails or pike, pick the one that has the least amount of damage by inspecting wings, legs, fins and looking for any large, gaping holes. If your trophy is missing hair, feathers, scales, fur, legs or eyes in the field, they sure won't be there when you're done with your mount! Taxidermy isn't magic!
  
• Storage - Get your trophy to a freezer or another cool place as soon as possible. This doesn't mean you have to pack up and go home, no siree. Crack another Schmidt, kick back and enjoy another successful take, but remember that if your trophy starts to decompose, you may lose hair, feathers, fur or scales. And those things are irreplaceable - see above. Taxidermy isn't magic! Wrap your fish, birds and small animals in a moist towel then place in two plastic bags before storing in the freezer. For deer, try to secure the trophy in plastic bags as best you can before placing in the freezer. Turkey require the same care - but be careful not to damage those tail feathers! Freezer burn is a serious issue. It too can cause hair, feathers, fur and scales to fall off. Remember - taxidermy isn't magic! Before storage, always remember to clean off as much blood from your trophy as possible.
  
• Photographs - They're not just for making your brother-in-law jealous of your thirty pointer! Photographs ensure the colors used in the painting process are as true-to-life as possible.