Tooth, Knife World Not Faggot, Some Dude, Seawhores and Thrones - Turf Club 5/28. And Dolly.

I just reached for a glass of water (because water is good for my body) and in so doing, knocked over the numerous cans of Black Label Beer resting on my nightstand (because Black Label Beer is bad for my body). I am inadvertently taking a stand against unhealthy living. Bottle of Jim Beam, you are next!

This is all beside the point. Obviously.

Here's a drunk music review.

Tonight I went to the Turf Club. I was late in arriving because I forgot my cash card at home. Y'see, I had tucked it into my jeans earlier in the night to walk to the shitty convenience store by my house to buy some chips and some chips and some soda and some soda. This all cost nine dollars and some change. As always, the convenience store clerks gave me some major shit, or rather, as much sh*t as is permitted by their religion, for not taking it away in a plastic bag. I don't get it. Furthermore, a woman in pajamas and Tweety Bird slippers attempted to project a loogie in my direction on the way there. When you look up "loogie" on the googler you are directed to a wikipedia entry called "loogie" which is actually just a redirect to "mucus."

This is all beside the point. Obviously.

Here's the drunk music review.

Turf Club. That's in St. Paul. Tonight was hipster central, or so said my friend. Do curly handlebar moustaches and gigantor ear piercings pierced by mini-sharpies a hipster central make? Well then yes, she was right. I missed the first band, a band called Tooth. When I search on the googler for "TOOTH" and "TURF" I get


Lawn care is a fascinating subject but we are here to discuss taxidermy and so I will point out that I missed the band called Tooth.

I also missed the band called Faggot. This name offends me but I love to do the Tomahawk Chop.

I say I missed them not only because of that lateness and that convenience store and their funny funny jokes about me walking down a busy urban street, carrying uncovered junk food for the world to see, but also because Faggot did not play as billed.

Instead, Knife World played. I missed it, and was bummed out. Like, totally. Bummed.

I missed it tonight, but Knife World is a very good band. You make a two piece band in this town, and it will be good. Try and tell me I'm wrong. Fuck a bass player, man.

Please note:
At this point in my drunk faux music review, I decided I was way too drunk because although Knife World played second, I could not stop typing "Knife World played second to last." Hm. And so I stopped, zonked, didn't wake til morning, and here I am again, now sober.

I still agree with my drunken point that Knife World is a very good band, as are many two piece bands. That dude in Knife World reminds me of Nugent. I think it's the screaming and the strutting and the hair. I'm sure he also carries large guns. I mean, have you seen his arms?

Digressions, digressions. More abundant than carcasses on the grounds of the Michigan Nugent Compound.

After Knife World, some dude played some weird electronic shit. The electronic shit was made weird by the face he was making throughout. He was clearly enjoying himself. It's nice to see a musician enjoying himself so unapologetically. It is indeed a rarity.

Knife World did not play second to last. Second to last was Seawhores. Now this was the first time I had seen Seawhores which, I have been told, is unfortunate. They play quite frequently, and I have been to their shows, but if you haven't noticed I have a strong propensity toward getting drunk and not paying attention to music. Which is why this is a blog about taxidermy, clearly. Seawhores are a loud and fun band. Their drummer is a television. Seawhores make me old. I am too deaf to interpret their music to be loud in my ears but halfway through their set I had to hide in the basement because their music was loud in my head and that makes me old. Check them out if you're not old like me. Check them out if you're old like me but be prepared to hide when they are loud in your head.

Thrones was our headliner for the evening. I was excited to see this dude because of his previous association with the Melvins. I love the Melvins. I felt superior to all my classmates in the junior high because I loved the Melvins. For good reason, because the Melvins are awesome and I was actually superior in at least three-to-four ways. Joe Preston, once the bass player for the Melvins (you will perhaps recall) now fronts Thrones all by his lonesome. The Melvins have cycled through far too many bass players, what, nine hundred at last count? One of whom was Shirley Temple's daughter. That is weird, and here if you are a geek for the Melvins you can geek out over Melvins bassist trivia; note that my comment that they have had nine hundred bass players is an exaggeration as the actual figure comes closer to nine. Fuck a bass player, man.

Joe Preston looks like a nice dude. I would like to take him hunting. His set started off a little slow; droning guitar, don't fall asleep. But as with the ridiculously sludgy, droning noise I'm always guaranteed at a Melvins show, the payoff came soon enough when Preston picked it up a bit and rocked my Lorpen Hunting Socks right off.

Thrones is currently heading west, and is slated to play the Supersonic Festival in Birmingham (UK not Alabama) in July. Here's some Dolly Parton.