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Not showing up to your show.
San Francisco's Hammers of Misfortune were no-shows at the Turf Club last night.
No matter. I gave 'em a listen on the myspace, and um, ladies. Ladies. You don't sing awesome like Lita Ford. If you're a lady and you don't sing awesome like Lita Ford I don't think you should touch metal music with a ten foot pole. By awesome I mean kickass. You have to sing kickass or you get no metal credibility. So the dudes in Hammers of Misfortune don't sing awesome or kickass either, but I gather that's their schtick. This is, like, music to play D&D to. So the pretty boy vocals are A-OK for rolling the twenty-sided die and all that. But pretty girl vocals in metal are no good. Again, think of your credibility. The metal dudes don't have to worry about their credibility - they just grow their hair out real long and wear black shirts with cutoff sleeves. If you're a metal chick you have to sing awesome and kickass like Lita Ford or else you just sound like another pretty girl singer and those are the rules. If that made sense to anyone but me then I'm glad we're on the same page.
No matter. Because the other bands on the bill were kickass and awesome. So I missed Brutal Becomings - a week of smell-testing new deer lures in Lubbock wore me out, and I always miss the first band on the bill because I'm slow. But they're kickass and awesome. Peter Leggett is in one thousand bands and they are consistently kickass and awesome, mostly on account of his neatly-trimmed beard. I did manage to catch Bastard Saint, and they were kickass and awesome. Tight. Tight + Kickass and Awesome = Good Metal Band. Check them out - they have a show tomorrow at the Hex, another next week at Stasiu's, followed by several August shows at Stasiu's, Triple Rock and then back at the Turf Club.
No matter. Because I really went to see Gay Witch Abortion anyway. I like Gay Witch Abortion more than I like
No. I hate vanilla cake so let's try again. I like Gay Witch Abortion more than I like
And oh-my-fucking-god I LOVE DAIRY QUEEN ICE CREAM CAKES. My stomach does not tolerate dairy but fuck me, I'll gladly put up with the next-day bloating that makes me look about to deliver a really fat baby for two pieces of Dairy Queen Ice Cream Cake. I like Gay Witch Abortion more than Dairy Queen Ice Cream Cake and Subsequent Belly Swelling.
I promise to talk about bands other than Gay Witch Abortion in this blog. They don't pay me to do this, I swear. That is in anything other than
Catch Stuffed Pheasant's Favorite Band at the Triple Rock on 7/27, as well as future dates at Big V's, Turf Club and the Uptown and see Stuffed Pheasant stuffing her face with bribery of the Little Debbie variety.
On another note, if you want some music to play D&D to check out SmashHammer. I don't think this ever got released - sad, because it's pretty brilliant - but if you want a copy shoot me an email and I'll see if I can hook you up.
Those are the rules for metal and how I feel about cake.
2 comments:
We don't care if you like our band or not, but get your facts straight. We are not on tour. We haven't toured since 2004. The idiots who booked this imaginary "tour" never bothered to ask us if we could do it. We were never on this bill.
Did you happen to notice when you scowled at our myspace page that there were no shows listed? In fact, I was in the studio mastering an album on the day of that show. I've been in the studio for months. It's pretty stupid that some fools booked a Hammers tour without telling us, but we can't apologize for something we were never involved in.
Hats off to Google alerts for the link. Good luck with your blog.
-JC, Hammers Of Misfortune
Good luck with your album, Hammers of Misfortune! Once you're done with it, here's to hoping our paths cross on a real and not-at-all-imaginary tour.
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