What Kind of Meat Stick Am I?: A Psychometric Assessment with the KHO Appreciator

Hey Gang,

I'm back!! Did you miss me? You must have, judging by the calls, letters, emails and flowers! Anyhow, I’m back where I belong with two feet planted firmly in the blogosphere. So what’ve I been up to? Well, the fact of the matter is that blogging just isn’t paying the bills yet (no affront to you, Madame Editor!!), so I’ve had to focus my energy on my daytime gig as a psychometrician, measuring the tastes, talents, and personality traits of the masses.

Well, it’s been time well spent! Just take a glance at the recent professional journals! The KHO Appreciator broke the field wide open!! As Robert Christgau put it, “he’s the Vampire Weekend of personality testing.”

I digress…

So, I’ve decided that a nice way to get back into this crazy business of blogging is by giving you a little taste of what I’ve been working on for the past few months.
I’m sure you’re all familiar with the pop-up ads for personality tests on all of the popular social networking sites. Well, have you ever wished that there was one more closely tailored to the outdoors enthusiast? One that might tell you something about the life that you live? I thought so! That’s why I’m so damned proud to present you with “What Kind of Meat Stick Am I?”. Just go through and respond to these statements on a scale of 1 to 5 (1: Strongly Disagree, 2: Somewhat Disagree, 3: Neutral, 4: Somewhat Agree, 5: Strongly Agree). When you’re done, add up your score and check out the Meat Stick Scale at the bottom to find out what you are. Now, I’m going to spare you the treatise on method and just assure you that this is an incredibly well thought out test that is incredibly accurate. So be as honest as you can be and enjoy! Also, feel free to post your results as this test should also be quite useful in helping us understand what type of authoritarianism the country is likely to slip into should the economy get much worse!

The Test:

1- I am an archetypal outdoors enthusiast...
2- Guns help us git' to gittin' 'r done...
3- I think it is ok for my employer to distribute religious materials in the breakroom...
4- A network of private armies financed by industrial trusts & cartels is probably more realistic...
5- I find that sports analogies make me feel better about certain inter-office dynamics...
6- I consider myself a bobcat in the sack...
7- You don't feed the dog good hamburger meat. Especially in times like these. Dogs eat dog food...
8- I follow through well past completion...
9- Deep seated insecurities prevent me relating to the natural world in an authentic manner...
10- The federal government should take a more active role in the regulation of cultural production...
11- Sudden interest in eastern philosophies is a sure sign of an extra-marital affair...
12- If men like Vince Lombardi were running the banks we wouldn't be in this mess...
13- A robust centrism is the Jacobinism of our time...
14- I often end up where I started...
15- I think it is ok for my employer to use sports analogies to rationalize certain decisions that negatively affect the well-being of my co-workers…
16- A private army of Vince Lombardi's would be much more efficient...
17- The rapid growth of social networking sites is the best example of the Sinicization of our culture...
18- We are entering the final stage of the current Era of Personal Responsibility...
19- I have the basic skills required to run a household by myself...
20- Marijuana's long-standing connection to jazz music is what distinguishes it from other legal drugs and makes its use another example of the Sinicization of our culture…
21- I like to work alone on projects...
22- I would describe most of my opinions as commonsensical...
23- A new spirit of commonsensicality could still save poetry from petit bourgeois charlatanism...
24- I hold most of my co-workers in high regard...
25- While I do not believe in the doctrine of biblical inerrancy, I can still appreciate novels & films by artists that do hold this view…
26- I married the love of my life...
27- Solid evidence of the existence of the Skunk Ape is out there...
28- There is less difference between deep space and the deep sea than a modern, scientistic culture will acknowledge...
29- No Name Steaks are just more convenient sometimes...
30- I find the concept of self-esteem silly for non-Buddhist reasons...
31- We need another Emerson to clearly articulate the importance of Teamsmanship...
32- The flat tax would be a commonsensical tax...
33- I think that the federal government should take a more active role in the regulation of my insecurities...
34- I provide more than enough for my family...
35- I am an active participant in a number of membership organizations related to gun rights...
36- I get frustrated when a sports analogy does not make sense because I'm talking to someone that does not like sports...
37- I would sacrifice certain liberties to get the hunting season extended…

Normal Beef Stick – 37 to 50
Teriyaki Beef Stick – 51 to 65
BBQ Beef Stick – 66 to 95
Extra Spicy Beef Stick – 96 to 110
Smokey Beef Stick – 111 to 130
Venison Meat Stick – 131 to 145
Ostrich Meat Stick – 146 to 170
Alligator Meat Stick – 171 to 182Bear Meat Stick - 183 to 185


So that's it, guys. I hope it's been enlightening. Keep your eyes peeled on this fine blog as I'll be coming around alot more often from now on! Also, get yourself down to Stuffed Pheasant's first Live Music/Dead Meat event at the Turf Club featuring many local music bands and the KHO Appreciator himself (I'll be holding a single red rose!). Hope to see you there!

Outro Music: