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Dudes. So I went to the Hexagon Bar in South Minneapolis last Thursday and like, drank WAY too many rum and diets, like THREE OF THEM!!! And like totally missed all but the last two songs of the nina the pinta. Total bummer. But they were like WAY AWESOME but then like my new FAVORITE band GAY WITCH ABORTION played!!! They were, like, so totally awesome that I JUST HAD TO DANCE! Seriously. Like, have you seen these guys before? How could you NOT dance? They're awesomely awesome.
No one else was dancing WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS? Lame! But hey dudes, they're playing at that bar again this Friday night with The Bloodshot, Diesto, and Norsemen, and I don't care what you haters say that music is all for dancing so you can come dance with me then! Like seriously - Friday night and rum and diet and Gay Witch Abortion and dancing - WHAT ELSE COULD YOU EVEN WANT TO DO YOU LOSERS?!?!?!!!!
Anyway, so I was dancing right? And then I thought it would be totally awesome if they did a shout-out from the stage. But not for me, sillies! For Mr. Roboto! That's such an awesome song. But I don't remember how to say it in Japanese when I'm drunk on rum and diets and so, like, I thought I should have someone ask them for me and so I asked some girl to ask the singer to shout-out "THANK YOU MR. ROBOTO!" but she wouldn't do it even though I asked her nice and so she said I should just do it and so I got onstage, right?
WOO!
At first I thought the sound guy thought I was totally cute and awesome. Which I am.
BUT THEN HE MADE ME GET OFF THE STAGE EVEN THOUGH THAT GIRL TOTALLY TOLD ME I COULD BE UP THERE!
LAME!
And even though the band totally loved me and so did the entire audience!
And then the really mean bouncer lady kicked me out. Man, she's one tough lady!*
Okay, that wasn't really us.
But that Gay Witch Abortion set was totally awesome, made more awesome by the drunk girl. These guys are really stinking good, even if their name is only half as good as a certain other band in this town. We'll forgive them that, though, because that other band's name is really fucking good and Gay Witch Abortion is really fucking good. Listen to this, it is my favorite song.
So I'm a big fan of the Melvins, right? But Melvins shows tend to lean toward the Zzzzzzzzzzzside what with all the long periods of fuzz and noise and nothing-much-happening. These guys give me that rock noise sludge fix without putting me to sleep NOT TO SAY AT ALL THAT THE MELVINS PUT ME TO SLEEP. They lull me. That's kinder. Gay Witch Abortion does not lull me. And Shawn Walker gives Dale Crover a run for his money and I'm afraid I should start wearing my safety glasses from shop class to their shows because he plays those drums real hard and shards of stick wood fly all over the damn place.
Seriously. Put on your shop class safety glasses and watch. Oh, and bring ear plugs unless your hearing's already shot to hell like mine because these guys are kind of loud. Oh, and so I've said something nice about the drummer so let's talk about the guitarist.
According to my Google search - and did you know this about yourself Jesse? - Jesse Bottomley in addition to being the guitar player for Gay Witch Abortion is also a talkative girl who has been best friends with sixth grader Alissa Mell since kindergarten. To illustrate this fact, I'll also mention that Jesse and Alissa do nearly everything together and furthermore, if you type "best friends" into Wikipedia their picture can be found. This is a very sweet story about Jesse Bottomley. I would also like to point out that he is a very good guitar player, and I learned this when I dragged my neighbor who is a very huge guitar geek to their Halloween show at the Hex with the promise that he would love this band. My neighbor the guitar geek, his jaw dropped the entire time, started rambling off questions "How does he and how does he and what the and where's his and how would you?" accompanied with a bunch of technical jargon about amps and pedals that my dumb brain doesn't understand. I was like "Why don't you just ask him?" but my friend upon hearing his band regarded this dude as some sort of guitar demigod and was afraid to approach him even though he was dressed as a sock monkey. Go figure. In any case, I hope this illustrates that he is very good and are you still listening to me go on and on about Gay Witch Abortion? That must mean you are a really big fan. Hooray for you and for us and for Gay Witch Abortion! Here are some photographs of Alissa's best friend's very veiny arms.
This is the longest I plan to ever to devote to any review of any band's show ever ever because now there's less space to talk about the last two awesome bands who followed the band that I love love love love love like-they're-made-out-of-Little-Debbie-Snack-Cakes-and-whiskey's set, the first of which would be a band out of Cleveland called mr. Gnome. So when combined with the band I love more than deviled eggs and cocaine and the final band, the night was 75% represented by two-piece bands. the nina the pinta were the odd men out. Shit kiddos, I love the two-piece bands much more than the twenty-piece bands, I gotta say. If you can make it totally work with a drummer and a guitar player I say fuck a bass player and fuck three more drummers.
I'm sure your attention is running short so here's some noise to keep you entertained.
And by noise I mean these two are really good but you needed something to wake you from my rambling-induced slumber, no? Jesus. You'd think we were watching the Melvins. To be totally honest, their live show doesn't sound as good as their recorded stuff, but that's not a bad thing. That just means they found themselves a good studio and a good engineer and that's nothing to fault them for, right? Not at all. And not to say their live performance wasn't good - it was. Check them out when they return to town. I give them two antlers up. And the singer rocks out on a step ladder, which I am told is all the rage these days.
Last up was the final two-piece, Mute Era. These cats were good, but I must admit that I was in the other room totally losing at darts so I was not a good little listener. My darts rival (he came in first and my arm was sore the next day which reminded me I should really start working out so fuck him) mentioned it sounded like a late 90s basement party near the campus of our alma mater. A couple kids making noise, a lot of people hanging out listening casually but no one actually rocking out to the band. I wouldn't know, but there you go. And I suppose it was true, as we were listening casually from the other room while I got all tired from throwing darts. That makes me a loser. And next time I'll be a more engaged listener as long as some fucker doesn't challenge me to darts and then beat me. Fucker!
*Disclaimer: This fictionalized account of an actual event was not meant in any way to make fun of that girl. She was pretty fucking cool and totally cute, we're sorry she got kicked out though we fully understand from the perspectives of both the sound dude and the bouncer why this became necessary, and most importantly, we hope we run into her again. We will buy her more of whatever she's drinking, as long as she promises to behave herself and find a sober driver home. THANK YOU MR. ROBOTO! We've got your shout-out, honey pie!
2 comments:
awesome! absolutely awesome!
awesome! absolutely awesome!
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