On the Optimal Place to Stand While Watching the Old 97's at First Ave on a Wednesday

When anticipating an Old 97's show, there are a number of things you can count on:
1. Rhett Miller will do the Windmill, and this will drive the ladies wild
2. Rhett Miller will do his hip swaying, skinny-legged alt-rocker dance, and this will drive the ladies wild
3. Rhett Miller will be soaked in sweat by the end of the performance, and this will drive the ladies wild
4. Watching Murry Hammond perform will make you think of that time he and the adorable Grey DeLisle were on "A Wedding Story" on TLC, and how Murry said he fell in love with Grey because "she shone," and it was maybe the sweetest thing you'd ever heard in your whole life.

So, you will have much to look forward to when attending an Old 97's show. Also, though the tickets are on the expensive side, you will totally get your money's worth because the performances tend to be of epic length. All in all, the night of an Old 97's show is a BIG NIGHT.

However, if you are like me and you saw the Old 97's at First Ave last night, there are also a number of things that perhaps you did not count on in anticipation of the show, and these may dampen your experience:
1. You will run into a fellow you briefly dated five months ago who ultimately blew you off, albeit subtly, which is fine and was in fact an appropriate way to end the liaison, given the circumstances
2. Although you bear him no ill will, after approximately three minutes of catching up you will give him a major conversational out, which he will not pick up on
3. Not only will he not pick up on it, he and his friends will set up camp next to you and your friend, and it will slowly dawn on you that the girl he introduced you to is, like, his girl
4. To complicate the matter a bit, your ex-boyfriend, with whom you have a relationship that you do not care to explain to outsiders, will turn up and stand with you
5. This whole ball of yarn will suck, and it will detract from your enjoyment of Rhett and Murry and what's-their-names, the other two that no one really cares about, despite how very talented they are musically.

Still with me? Okay. Don't worry, there's a happy ending. This is the part where the friend you came with, being part of the sisterhood and thus thinking on her feet, will go exploring on the first floor, and will return to report four things:
1. The temperature is much more agreeable there
2. The sound quality is better
3. She's found an excellent place to stand, and
4. The angle is much better for viewing Rhett Miller's "Ken-doll pecs."

As if you even have a choice of what to do after learning this information. So, after relocating yourself, along with your friend, your ex-boyfriend, and your kickball acquaintance with the ticketing connection, at the excellent place on the first floor, then, THEN, FINALLY, you can concentrate on what really matters- the Windmill, the dancing, the sweaty shirt, people shining, and oh, the music, and the diverse crowd the 97's bring out, and by diverse I mean "40-something couples from the 'burbs in high-waisted jeans who are obviously having a very special night out." And you will not even smirk about the high-waisted jeans, because a) you've been known to rock some rube fashions yourself from time to time, but more importantly, b) isn't it nice those people are having a fun Wednesday night out and that they appear to be in a happy marriage?

Then Murry will sing "Valentine" and you will contemplate your solitary existence, which will cause you to bring home your ex-boyfriend and have sex with him.