The Turf Club, 6/7/08: Some bands are just in it for the pussy.

When reviewing a show, it is always helpful to know the names of the bands that you saw, so I am starting at a disadvantage here. In my defense, I wasn't planning on going out last night. A friend and I had gone to Little T's in late afternoon and split an order of nachos supreme ("Do you know what you're getting into? Are you sure you don't want the half order?" the awkward waiter asked us, unaware of the nacho carnage he was about to witness. I mean, I'm not obese anymore, but my stomach remembers those days and can still accommodate a lot of food.), so I was planning on spending the evening on the sofa, digesting and stuff, but then my co-taxidermist texted to inform me that there was a show at the Turf, "big show, cute hipster boys guaranteed." And seeing as how I'd spent the past several weekends at home alone, alternately reading angry feminist literature and working on my online dating profile (not a productive combo, FYI; doesn't exactly lend itself to the kind of mindset in which you can compose an adorable "about me" section), I said digestion be damned (out loud, "Digestion be damned!" I proclaimed), popped a couple Tums and headed to the Turf.

So here's where I start piecing together info to determine the bands I probably saw, since I didn't know at the time. Pretty sure I was there for the Tight Phantomz, Tornavalanche, and Vampire Hands portion of the evening, with a bonus performance by Yellow Swans, whom I gather were supposed to play the night before, but were held up by some fine Midwestern weather. I should preface all of this by saying the musical styles on the bill were not exactly my cup of tea, so if you're a fan of the aforementioned bands (and I gather there are many, and a very active message board) you should not get all prickly over my nonenthusiasm.

That said, I kind of liked Tight Phantomz, despite the creative approach they've taken to pluralization. It might be because it was the first band I saw and I was feeling cheerful because Father Goose was playing on the TV above the bar, but I thought the bassist/singer had nice moves. Like, he was obviously enjoying himself and it was entertaining to witness his joy. In contrast, Tornavalanche struck me as being in it for the girls and not the music. Also, four of the five members were wearing sleeveless shirts, so... minus four points for men in sleeveless shirts. You know that they masturbate in front of a mirror.

I couldn't tell you much about Vampire Hands because by that time I was drunk and eating the chocolate Skittles that my hunting buddy had purchased from the vending machine because her friend told us that they were gross and we wanted to confirm. (I'd say the lighter-colored ones are okay, but the dark ones were, in fact, gross and chemical-y.) It was hot in the club and suddenly the lyrics to Carly Simon's "Two Hot Girls (On a Hot Summer Night)" popped into my head, which should tell you just precisely how unqualified I am to be reviewing this show.

And finally, Yellow Swans. By this point in the evening I had taken a seat at the bar near the TV, which was showing a different, very dark-looking Leslie Caron movie. (IMDB leads me to believe it was The L-Shaped Room, plot keywords: "kitchen sink realism, abortion, pregnancy, lesbian, independent film." Jesus Christ, Leslie Caron, I had no idea!) The band set up and played on the floor rather than the stage, which was a big hit with their fans, who took the opportunity to encircle the band and sway, entranced. I was sleepy and drinking water and my feet hurt and I wanted to go home to bed, so my grumpy thoughts on Yellow Swans were: very loud, kind of reminded me of Explosions in the Sky in that they are very fond of distortion pedals, only not really like Explosions in the Sky in that they're not very accessible and I can't imagine their music being used to score a heartfelt network TV drama such as Friday Night Lights. They did have their fans though. If you want to call me a retard (and you wouldn't be the first), you could liken it to how some people really appreciate those hugely expensive black canvases that hang in every modern art museum, because those people get it, or whatever, but I am a rube and I don't get it. The fans are likely saddened to know that Yellow Swans, according to their MySpace blog, are finishing up their scheduled performances this month and then "moving on."

Me? I'm moving on to the True Colors Tour, hitting the Target Center this Monday, which, once again, should reinforce how unqualified I am to be reviewing local indie rock shows. My fellow taxidermists are not generally comfortable with the sort of folk the True Colors Tour is targeting (read: the HOMOSEXUALS), but I do like challenging convention. As long as I don't have to stay out too late, and it's not too loud, and I have a comfortable place to sit. I like challenging convention under those circumstances.