A Hap

Sunday, August 17, 2008
9:00 @ The Turf

Riot Act Reading Series:
Brady Bergeson, writer for The Electric Arc Radio Hour
Emily Carter, author extraordinaire
Mary Jane Mansfield, performance artist
Laura Brandenburg, bends metal objects with her mind

Monday- I need someone to set a pick for me at the freethrow line of life.

Well, I just spent 45 minutes posting everything that is happening tonight, then karma came and raped me of the whole thing. Probably because I said that you don't want to see Jimmy Eat World anyway, then proceeded to find the most awkward picture of Dave Coulier representing the band "Uncomfortable Uncle". Basically, for a good time, go to the Turf Club. They have the best bartenders and trivia tonight. There will also be lax guitar jam music upstairs after the questions. If you don't like their tunes, you can always make your way to the Clown Lounge downstairs for Jazz Implosion.
Here, this has been in my head all day. So stereotypically dated and racisty...but I think they can do it and its alright?



Well the sky just dumped here, so it should cool off some. Bike and take bug spray. Gospel.

6/18/08

6/18/08
The Black Angels with The Warlocks @ the Turf Club, 12 bucks, 8:00. I like it when the cover is posted for the Turf so I don't have to make up some bullshit. Everyone's going to this show. Mom says I can't on account of the bands' names. Life's not fair.
humanboy with NOBOT and DJ Skagnetti @ 400 Bar, 5 bucks, 8:00.
The Invincible Kids with Spanish for 100 and Military Special @ Uptown Bar, zero bucks, 9:00.
Fake Problems with Banner Pilot, The Absent Arch, Merge Left and Resolve @ Triple Rock, 6/8 bucks, 5:00.

The Turf Club, 6/7/08: Some bands are just in it for the pussy.

When reviewing a show, it is always helpful to know the names of the bands that you saw, so I am starting at a disadvantage here. In my defense, I wasn't planning on going out last night. A friend and I had gone to Little T's in late afternoon and split an order of nachos supreme ("Do you know what you're getting into? Are you sure you don't want the half order?" the awkward waiter asked us, unaware of the nacho carnage he was about to witness. I mean, I'm not obese anymore, but my stomach remembers those days and can still accommodate a lot of food.), so I was planning on spending the evening on the sofa, digesting and stuff, but then my co-taxidermist texted to inform me that there was a show at the Turf, "big show, cute hipster boys guaranteed." And seeing as how I'd spent the past several weekends at home alone, alternately reading angry feminist literature and working on my online dating profile (not a productive combo, FYI; doesn't exactly lend itself to the kind of mindset in which you can compose an adorable "about me" section), I said digestion be damned (out loud, "Digestion be damned!" I proclaimed), popped a couple Tums and headed to the Turf.

So here's where I start piecing together info to determine the bands I probably saw, since I didn't know at the time. Pretty sure I was there for the Tight Phantomz, Tornavalanche, and Vampire Hands portion of the evening, with a bonus performance by Yellow Swans, whom I gather were supposed to play the night before, but were held up by some fine Midwestern weather. I should preface all of this by saying the musical styles on the bill were not exactly my cup of tea, so if you're a fan of the aforementioned bands (and I gather there are many, and a very active message board) you should not get all prickly over my nonenthusiasm.

That said, I kind of liked Tight Phantomz, despite the creative approach they've taken to pluralization. It might be because it was the first band I saw and I was feeling cheerful because Father Goose was playing on the TV above the bar, but I thought the bassist/singer had nice moves. Like, he was obviously enjoying himself and it was entertaining to witness his joy. In contrast, Tornavalanche struck me as being in it for the girls and not the music. Also, four of the five members were wearing sleeveless shirts, so... minus four points for men in sleeveless shirts. You know that they masturbate in front of a mirror.

I couldn't tell you much about Vampire Hands because by that time I was drunk and eating the chocolate Skittles that my hunting buddy had purchased from the vending machine because her friend told us that they were gross and we wanted to confirm. (I'd say the lighter-colored ones are okay, but the dark ones were, in fact, gross and chemical-y.) It was hot in the club and suddenly the lyrics to Carly Simon's "Two Hot Girls (On a Hot Summer Night)" popped into my head, which should tell you just precisely how unqualified I am to be reviewing this show.

And finally, Yellow Swans. By this point in the evening I had taken a seat at the bar near the TV, which was showing a different, very dark-looking Leslie Caron movie. (IMDB leads me to believe it was The L-Shaped Room, plot keywords: "kitchen sink realism, abortion, pregnancy, lesbian, independent film." Jesus Christ, Leslie Caron, I had no idea!) The band set up and played on the floor rather than the stage, which was a big hit with their fans, who took the opportunity to encircle the band and sway, entranced. I was sleepy and drinking water and my feet hurt and I wanted to go home to bed, so my grumpy thoughts on Yellow Swans were: very loud, kind of reminded me of Explosions in the Sky in that they are very fond of distortion pedals, only not really like Explosions in the Sky in that they're not very accessible and I can't imagine their music being used to score a heartfelt network TV drama such as Friday Night Lights. They did have their fans though. If you want to call me a retard (and you wouldn't be the first), you could liken it to how some people really appreciate those hugely expensive black canvases that hang in every modern art museum, because those people get it, or whatever, but I am a rube and I don't get it. The fans are likely saddened to know that Yellow Swans, according to their MySpace blog, are finishing up their scheduled performances this month and then "moving on."

Me? I'm moving on to the True Colors Tour, hitting the Target Center this Monday, which, once again, should reinforce how unqualified I am to be reviewing local indie rock shows. My fellow taxidermists are not generally comfortable with the sort of folk the True Colors Tour is targeting (read: the HOMOSEXUALS), but I do like challenging convention. As long as I don't have to stay out too late, and it's not too loud, and I have a comfortable place to sit. I like challenging convention under those circumstances.

6/5/08

6/5/08
HEY IT'S THURSDAY AND THURSDAY IS GREAT!
Awesome Snakes with The Vignettes and The Talkers @ "Patio Nights", Minnesota Museum of American Art in St. Paul, 7:00, 7 bucks.
The Owls @ "Mill City Live," Mill City Museum in Mpls, 6:00, zero bucks.
R.E.M. (isn't their drummer a drum machine?) with two other bands you're paying too much money to see @ Xcel Energy Center, 7:00, 45 to 75 bucks.
The Floorbirds with Roe Family Singers, The Mill City Grinders and Lady Franklin @ Le Hex, 9:00, zero bucks.
The Sleeper Pins with Quitters Go To Meetings and Swimmer @ Stasiu's, 9:00, 5 bucks.
Weather is Happening with Cryptacize, Private Dancer and Everybell and Whistle @ Turf Club, 9:00, one million bucks (or not advertised).
OHMIGODOHGODOHGOD Ashford & Simpson! @ The Dakota, 7:00 60 bucks, 9:30 50 bucks. Don't worry. If you really want to go to that good show at the Turf you can catch Ash and Simps tomorrow night, too. Oh happy times!

It will be the most passionate performance you've ever seen, to be sure.

Tooth, Knife World Not Faggot, Some Dude, Seawhores and Thrones - Turf Club 5/28. And Dolly.

I just reached for a glass of water (because water is good for my body) and in so doing, knocked over the numerous cans of Black Label Beer resting on my nightstand (because Black Label Beer is bad for my body). I am inadvertently taking a stand against unhealthy living. Bottle of Jim Beam, you are next!

This is all beside the point. Obviously.

Here's a drunk music review.

Tonight I went to the Turf Club. I was late in arriving because I forgot my cash card at home. Y'see, I had tucked it into my jeans earlier in the night to walk to the shitty convenience store by my house to buy some chips and some chips and some soda and some soda. This all cost nine dollars and some change. As always, the convenience store clerks gave me some major shit, or rather, as much sh*t as is permitted by their religion, for not taking it away in a plastic bag. I don't get it. Furthermore, a woman in pajamas and Tweety Bird slippers attempted to project a loogie in my direction on the way there. When you look up "loogie" on the googler you are directed to a wikipedia entry called "loogie" which is actually just a redirect to "mucus."

This is all beside the point. Obviously.

Here's the drunk music review.

Turf Club. That's in St. Paul. Tonight was hipster central, or so said my friend. Do curly handlebar moustaches and gigantor ear piercings pierced by mini-sharpies a hipster central make? Well then yes, she was right. I missed the first band, a band called Tooth. When I search on the googler for "TOOTH" and "TURF" I get


Lawn care is a fascinating subject but we are here to discuss taxidermy and so I will point out that I missed the band called Tooth.

I also missed the band called Faggot. This name offends me but I love to do the Tomahawk Chop.

I say I missed them not only because of that lateness and that convenience store and their funny funny jokes about me walking down a busy urban street, carrying uncovered junk food for the world to see, but also because Faggot did not play as billed.

Instead, Knife World played. I missed it, and was bummed out. Like, totally. Bummed.

I missed it tonight, but Knife World is a very good band. You make a two piece band in this town, and it will be good. Try and tell me I'm wrong. Fuck a bass player, man.

Please note:
At this point in my drunk faux music review, I decided I was way too drunk because although Knife World played second, I could not stop typing "Knife World played second to last." Hm. And so I stopped, zonked, didn't wake til morning, and here I am again, now sober.

I still agree with my drunken point that Knife World is a very good band, as are many two piece bands. That dude in Knife World reminds me of Nugent. I think it's the screaming and the strutting and the hair. I'm sure he also carries large guns. I mean, have you seen his arms?

Digressions, digressions. More abundant than carcasses on the grounds of the Michigan Nugent Compound.

After Knife World, some dude played some weird electronic shit. The electronic shit was made weird by the face he was making throughout. He was clearly enjoying himself. It's nice to see a musician enjoying himself so unapologetically. It is indeed a rarity.

Knife World did not play second to last. Second to last was Seawhores. Now this was the first time I had seen Seawhores which, I have been told, is unfortunate. They play quite frequently, and I have been to their shows, but if you haven't noticed I have a strong propensity toward getting drunk and not paying attention to music. Which is why this is a blog about taxidermy, clearly. Seawhores are a loud and fun band. Their drummer is a television. Seawhores make me old. I am too deaf to interpret their music to be loud in my ears but halfway through their set I had to hide in the basement because their music was loud in my head and that makes me old. Check them out if you're not old like me. Check them out if you're old like me but be prepared to hide when they are loud in your head.

Thrones was our headliner for the evening. I was excited to see this dude because of his previous association with the Melvins. I love the Melvins. I felt superior to all my classmates in the junior high because I loved the Melvins. For good reason, because the Melvins are awesome and I was actually superior in at least three-to-four ways. Joe Preston, once the bass player for the Melvins (you will perhaps recall) now fronts Thrones all by his lonesome. The Melvins have cycled through far too many bass players, what, nine hundred at last count? One of whom was Shirley Temple's daughter. That is weird, and here if you are a geek for the Melvins you can geek out over Melvins bassist trivia; note that my comment that they have had nine hundred bass players is an exaggeration as the actual figure comes closer to nine. Fuck a bass player, man.

Joe Preston looks like a nice dude. I would like to take him hunting. His set started off a little slow; droning guitar, don't fall asleep. But as with the ridiculously sludgy, droning noise I'm always guaranteed at a Melvins show, the payoff came soon enough when Preston picked it up a bit and rocked my Lorpen Hunting Socks right off.

Thrones is currently heading west, and is slated to play the Supersonic Festival in Birmingham (UK not Alabama) in July. Here's some Dolly Parton.