This is a story about a local drummer who has been on a variety of late night television shows.

According to Wikipedia, Dave King is a drummer and composer active in Minneapolis since the 90s. He is a founding member of both Happy Apple and The Bad Plus. These, according to Wikipedia, are both jazz trios though neither plays "traditional" styles which I don't really know I guess I take to mean he sounds nothing like Buddy Rich but rather bangs out free jazz on trash cans but fuck what do I know I'm just a stupid drunk. I've also been told by Wikipedia that simultaneously, so meaning at the same time as banging out free jazz in trash can trios he is also working in "around" a dozen other bands with genres which include the jazz, the electronic, the indie and the rock.

Here's some Dave King trivia, according to his father, which is kind of like "According to Jim" but his father is not a horrifically awful sitcom starring a guy who's done nothing for us since he pretended to get run over by a car in that Curly Sue movie, thus exposing us to the cutest little ringlet-headed cutie pie ever to grace Hollywood with her fucking annoying fucking dimples and shit:

* David King has had perfect pitch ever since he was young, or circa four-to-six years old (Citation needed, as I have it on good authority that he developed this talent at the age of -6 months, in other words as a fetus, while humming along to the Zager and Evans hit In the Year 2525 (Exordium and Terminus), in perfect pitch, before he had even developed tiny little lips, oh, Citation needed on that part too).
* David King has described himself as "a musician who expresses himself through the drums."

According to Wikipedia, Dave King has played with jazz, electronic, indie and rock bands including:

* The Bad Plus
* Happy Apple
* 12 Rods
* Love-Cars
* F*K*G
* Bill Carrothers' "The Electric Bill"
* Craig Taborn
* Meat Beat Manifesto
* Halloween, Alaska
* Ursus Minor
* Haley Bonar
* The Gang Font, feat. Interloper
* Mason Jennings

Of these thirteen bands, five are bands about which the girls go goddamn fucking batshit crazy. (Citation - Girls I used to work with) Especially that last one, because I guess he is just so cute. (Citation - A girl named Laura in particular, we used to open together on Saturdays)

Now on to more important matters - I am here making the assertion that Dave King is TOTALLY GAAAAAYZERS.

When he was a child, he was in the boy scouts or some variation thereof. Boy scouts, and variations thereof often have competitions for badges and ribbons and whatnot. Well, Dave King, as a child, was a participant in some sort of soap box derby. When you are in the boy scouts, scout leaders like to maintain a competitive spirit while also ensuring that everyone walks away with some sort of prize. As such, the boy scouts gave away prizes such as "Best Use of Color" and "Most Spirit" in addition to the obvious prizes of fastest, and second fastest, and third fastest and so on. Dave King painted his car a bright and proud shade of red, and indeed drove this car with as much spirit as he could muster, but ultimately lost this derby so horribly and embarrassingly that they could find no prize to award him except "Drove on Four Wheels." This would be, on its own, a sad award, and so obviously a "there's nothing better we can come up with but to state the obvious" commendation, save for one fact - Dave King used to be in a wheelchair, and so he was actually driving that car on eight wheels not four.

But this is not why Dave King, perfect pitch drummer extraordinaire, is TOTALLY GAAAAAYZERS. Rather, it is because when a person who totally would have kicked his ass eight ways from Sunday in a derby match (on account of all the wheels, as he was before his special surgery just a sad little crippled boy) says "STRIP CLUB" on a mid-week evening, he doesn't roll his drummin' ass on down to the Washington Avenue strip and buy that person a lap dance from that nurse with the crooked teeth. GAAAAAYZERS.

And this is what you get when you tell a heart-wrenching story from your childhood but then end the final sentence in "put that in your blog."

Can we talk some more about Rush now? Dave King is also totally GAAAAAYZERS if he doesn't get himself a rotating drum riser THE END!