Break.

Hello Friends,

We are heading down to Lubbock for the National Taxidermists Association Convention and so our posts here may be spotty for the next couple weeks. We hear wi-fi is hard to come by in Lubbock.

Here's the piece we will be submitting for competition.

6/29/08

SUNDAY

HERB, Fuck Knights and Mouth Babies @ Big V's, 5 bucks, 9:00.

Dysrhythmia (New York), The Crinn and Guzzlemug @ the Triple Rock, 6/8 bucks, 9:00.

Nikki & the RueMates @ Red Stag, zero bucks, 9:00. Drink specials starting at 10.







White people love Dave Brubeck.

6/28/08

Saturday

Eric Kamau Gravatt & Source Code @ Artists' Quarter, 12 bucks, 9:00.

The Evening Rig and Prairie Sons @ 331 Club, zero bucks, 9:00.

Strut & Shock (CD Release), France Has the Bomb, The Chambermaids and Black Audience @ the Hex, zero bucks, 9:00.

Pride in Concert with En Vogue, Deborah Cox, Sunshine Behavior, Sick of Sarah and DJ Red Richard @ Loring Park, 8/10 bucks, 5:30.

The Pines, Spaghetti Western and Hobo Nephews of Uncle Frank @ Turf Club, pay with your stub from the En Vogue show, 9:00.

Kid Dakota, Aviette, The Alarmists and The Glad Version @ Triple Rock, 7 bucks, 9:00.

Skirt, The Spirit of '76, Prozac Rat and The Wapsipinicon @ Uptown Bar, 5 bucks, 9:00.

The Red Flags, Aquafox and The Revamps @ Stasiu's, 5 bucks, 9:00.

Cinderella, Bo Bice and Downtread @ Myth, 30 bucks, 6:00.

E.L.nO. and Captain Blasted's Gospel Review @ Lee's Liquor Lounge, 6 bucks, 9:00.

RTX (California) and Imaad Wasif & Two Part Beast (California) @ 7th St Entry, 8 bucks, 8:00.

Oh, and GB Leighton in the Pickle Park.

Mad Libs with MC/VL

Image lifted from here.

Stuffed Pheasant: I'm with MC/VL. I'm going to let them do their own introduction.

Mighty Clyde: I'm Mighty Clyde and the Flashy Bagel.

Professor BX: And I'm the Lazy Old Fighter Jet the Rad Panda better known as the Professor BX.

Vicious Lee: And I'm Vicious Lee better known as Black Building Black Building.

SP: All right, why don't you guys tell me a little about how rap music got started, how you guys got into it.

MC: Well, rap got started back in the Industrial Revolution, just by a martian, martians going to the Rocky Mountains and starting off with "I want something else, to get me through this semi-charmed kinda life" and then it just, you know, frenched, and we got into it by listening to it over the cannon, you know, and I took interest in it from listening to Jeff Mangum, from Neutral Milk Hotel, he used to paint before me, and I just started liking it, you know, and so I'd reconnoiter Power Rangers over other sneakers, and I said "What a bunch of bologna!" - we've got to flop this, and I started tracing down some shimmering hot dog buns, and we got splendid and we got grainy.

SP: The movie “Krush Groove,” that was almost a biography of you guys, wasn't it? Of how you got started?

BX: Yeah, the movie told the truth about the way we really destroyed, you know. We won a Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence, you know...

MC: We won a skateboard contest, number seventeen and everything, all that stuff was true. There were a lot of other things that weren't really the truth - we just played into it, you know, like the Foshay Tower, and my parents' basement, and all this crazy stuff.

SP: How was it working with Tom Lehrer?

VL: It was black black, you know, the one thing about working with Tom Lehrer was Metallica came down, we were real excited about seeing Metallica, and they were black, black positivity; they were very black.

BX: Very Sucks. Like Seriously Sucks.

[BX licks his lips. MC and VL laugh.]

SP: So what's next for you guys? Are you going to stay in rap music? I know you guys are actors and somebody in here wants to be a Muslim I hear - which one is that?

[BX and MC point at VL.]

VL: I'm gonna open my own chain of mosques.

[BX and MC snicker.]

SP: So what's next for you guys?

BX: Well we just started on a three picture deal with Warner Brothers, a movie deal, and the next movie we're gonna put out is "MC/VL Goes To Edina Creamery,” you know, something like where we get cremated out a rock by some sort of awesome sword, you know what I’m saying?

MC: Yeah we're gonna start that in 2015 - from Back to the Future 2.

SP: How old are you guys, I mean...

VL: I just turned three.

[MC and BX snicker.]

MC: Why'd you have to ask that question! [Laughs.] I'm 13.99.

SP: [To BX.] How old are you?

BX: Pi’s my dog, and I can knock you out with my ugly egg nog.

[All laugh.]

SP: So are you guys still in the Xcel Center, or what?

MC: I'm still in the Xcel Center. Well I have egg nog.

VL: I have egg nog.

SP: How do you guys deal with egg nog when you're at Mount Rushmore?

MC: Well we have Colombians that we take to Mount Rushmore.

BX: [Points at MC.] And it's his dank puppy.

SP: Ah it's your dank puppy. So you take egg nog with you, huh?

[All laugh.]

SP: One question, the title of the “MC/VL Are Cruddy” album, what's that all about?

MC: We had taken a detailed remote control in the rap industry, we hadn't released anything in a while. Then we said hey, it's time for us to get back at it. So we called it “MC/VL Are Cruddy,” we got Sting and The Ultimate Warrior to sing it, and they were all "It was all a dream, I used to read Word Up magazine, Salt'n'Pepa and Heavy D up in the limousine..."

SP: You guys just got back from the I-80 truck stop on vacation, didn't you? How was the vacation guys?

BX: Oh the trees man! They were so hidden.

VL: How would you know about trees with your war?

MC: Yeah, your cheeky war?

[All laugh.]

BX: [Smiling.] No, it was all active. We had, you know, done a lot of Olson Twins, and so I decided it was time to go on vacation. And so we took a vacation at the I-80 truck stop, Bobby and Steve’s Auto World, it was real gnarly and everyone came back and we knew we had to go on tour and things, you know what I'm saying? Right guys?

[All laugh.]

SP: Kurtiss Blow has really helped you guys out, hasn't he? What does he do with you guys?

MC: He's a piano.

VL: He's like a book to us, man.

SP: What do you guys like best when you're on the road, what's the best thing about it?

BX: Plural nouns.

VL: Books.

MC: Books. We get to see crayons...

SP: What's your favorite place?

VL: Your house.

SP: My house?

VL: Your house is number three.

SP: Number three? Why don't you give me a little beat?

VL: No! [Laughs.]

SP: Teach me how to do it! Can you do it?

BX: Boom oom boo kaa
Boom oom boo kaa
Boom oom boo kaa
Oo ooom boom boo ka
Ka boom oom

MC: Down from the glen

BX: Boo kaa

VL: Sometimes I feel very sad

BX: Boo kaa

MC: Came the marching men

VL: Sometimes I feel very sad

MC: With their shields

BX: Boo kaa

VL: Sometimes I feel very sad

MC: And their swords

BX: Boo kaa

VL: Sometimes I feel very sad

MC: To fight the fight they believed to be right

VL: Sometimes I feel very sad

MC: Overthrow the overlords

VL: I guess I just wasn't made for these times

BX: Wicky wicky fr-fr-fr-freshhhhhh!

SP: All right!

VL:: Conditions!

MC: Great Scott!

BX: Jinkies!

This phony interview was based on Jerry Millen's 1985 interview with The Fat Boys. Catch MC/VL on August 14th at MMAA Patio Nights with Vampire Hands.

6/27/08

Friday

Please. Okay, why am I even bothering to give you the rundown of potentially decent-to-awesome shows happening in town tonight when Candlebox, yes, fucking CANDLEBOX is one of those options CANDLEBOX DO YOU HEAR ME CANDLEBOX! Candlebox. You know you fucking loved them once. I still have a thing for long-haired men in flannel. Oh swoon! If they've gone nü metal I'll be PISSED! Hold the boat - I'm looking into this... google image search... Candlebox...

Oh god, look! They cut their hair and lost the flannel and they're still totally hot!



Are these really the same dudes we left far behind in '94? Go see for yourselves.

Candlebox (from Seattle - yes, they still live in Seattle, did you know Seattle has this, like, really cool grunge scene? Yeah, I get all my music news from backissues of Spin circa 1991-1993) with The Kings Royal (from Santa Monica) @ The Rock, 18/22 bucks, 7:00. The Rock has weak, expensive drinks which means it's not a real rock club and yet I say this show would be absolutely worth seeing.

Daughters of the Sun, The Screens, StrangeLights, Whitesand/Badlands, Vern with DJs Double Trouble upstairs @ Stasiu's, 5 bucks, 8:00.

Enormous Quartet @ Cafe Maude, zero bucks, 9:00.

Flamin' Oh's @ Withrow Ballroom in Stillwater, 6 bucks, 8:00. $1 tap beer 8-9PM.

Rick Springfield (Malibu) @ Mystic Lake, 35/45 bucks, 8:00. Have you heard of this guy? My friend Angela in Denver says he's really good. He's from Malibu. Have you heard of this guy?

The Magnolias, Tim Casey & the Martyrs and Ten Ton Bridge @ 7th St Entry, 10/12 bucks, 8:00.

Rank Strangers, Liz Rognesand The Buzzard Brothers @ Eagles Aerie 33 (Eastside St. Paul), 5 bucks, 8:00.

Front Porch Swingin' Liquor Pigs @ Eagles Club - The Nest, zero bucks, 7:00.

Big Trouble @ 331 Club, zero bucks, 9:00. Plus $2.50 Rum and Cokes.

Dosh, POS and Kill the Vultures @ First Ave, 10/12 bucks, 8:00.

Dragich and the Polemics, Courtney Yasmineh and Laura Meyer @ Terminal Bar, 5 bucks, 9:00.

Dark Field, Chokecherry, The Suits and Andrew Broder @ the Hex, zero bucks, 9:00.

Mommy s3z No, Downcast and The No-No's @ Big V's, 5 bucks, 9:00.

The Diplomats of Solid Sound (Iowa City), Norsemen, Chrash Flood (Davenport), Manimal Quartet and DJ Rock the Monkey @ Triple Rock, 6/8 bucks, 9:00.

Economy Team, Moxie Motive (Chicago), The Sextons and Old James @ Uptown Bar, 5 bucks, 9:00.

Uptown Pride Bock Party with Tina Schlieske and Band, Dykes Do Drag, Black Blondie, All the Pretty Horses and Rope Trick @ Bryant between 29th St and Lake, zero bucks, 6-10:30.

Dragons Power Up!, Gospel Gossip and City on the Make @ Eclipse Records, 4 bucks, 7:00.

Hayden and Haley Bonar @ the Cedar, 12/15 bucks, 8:00.

The Dad In Common, The Blind Shake, Heatdeath and Paul Metzger @ Turf Club, to enter you may pay with one lock of Rick Springfield's hair, 9:00.

Aby Wolf, Ghostband and Thank You @ Kitty Cat Klub, 5 bucks.

6/26/08

Thursday
Guess what K102 is playing at this very second? Ahem. Okay, why would you go out tonight when you could stay at home listening to K102 play over and over and over again this piece of - ahem. Fork! Stuck! Done!

The Softrocks, Kill to Kill and The Notties @ Stasiu's, 5 bucks, 9:00.

STNNNG and His Mischief @ Minnesota Museum of American Art Patio Nights, 5/7 bucks, 7:00.

The Teeth, Fuck Nights, Sharp Teeth, The Ghettos Burning @ the Uptown, zero bucks, 9:00.

Gospel of the Horns (Melbourne), Cemetery Urn(also of Melbourne), Sanguis Imperem (California) and Teratism @ the Entry, 11/15 bucks, 7:30.

The Lovell Sisters @ Cedar Cultural Center, 18/20 bucks, 7:00.

Frog Eyes (Canada), Evangelicals(Oklahoma) and Flin Flon Bombers @ Triple Rock, 10 bucks, 9:00.

Jessica Simpson is lactose intolerant, totally cute and now, country.

This has nothing to do with local music but it has everything to do with taxidermy.

Please see:
Radio tries to hate Jessica Simpson country song, but fails

Note highlights:
God help me, I really like this song, and
Oh, my gosh, people want to hate me!

Now listen to the song:


And remember this debacle:


There. Now you're up to speed. K-102 is currently playing the hell out of Jessica Simpson's new country music crossover booty call, Come on Over after apparently an accidental, totally unintentional, TOTALLY not premeditated leak of the song precipitated its rise on the charts (coming out at #41 it was the highest debuting single by a solo artist ever on the Country Music Billboard Charts).

I like to maintain a positive attitude in this little virtual community because I think people should feel good about what they're doing, but I feel quite confident Jess will never read this li'l old blog and so I'm going to point out that this song sucks harder than the leeches that used to stick to my legs when I was a kid camping at Lake Louise in rural South Dakota.

However, I believe in Jessica Simpson. She's the real deal.

Listen to K-102's Monday morning interview with Jess.

And be won over as she speaks earnestly of the troops and shares endearing anecdotes such as:
I still eat it. I just got gas. I can't not eat che-eaze!

I am always so full of shit. But I mean that last part. She's such a sweetheart. Her sixth album Do You Know is set to be released September 9th. Because she is so very sweet I hope the rest of it sucks considerably less than this single.

Meantime, note that I haven't heard BOB 106 play this song even once. I am glad for options.

3/25/08

Wednesday

Okay, why would you go out tonight when you could stay at home and watch a slideshow of Porter Wagoner and Dolly Parton over their best song (below)? I take that back; it's not their best song and there's some good stuff happening in town tonight. And this schtick is officially done so I'm just gonna go ahead and stick a fork in it.

Cinema and Civics 2008 with None of the Above (a "cover band playing songs from Queen, The Beatles, The Cure, Weezer, The Pixies, The Clash and more") followed by screening of Grumpy Old Men @ Stevens Square Park, zero bucks, 7:30. I understand there will be a potluck, block patrol will be recognized, and there will be cake. I like that promise.

Shearwater (from Austin), The Haves Have It and Marvelle @ 7th Street Entry, 8 bucks, 8:00.

How Birds Work @ Artists' Quarter, 5 bucks, 9:00.

Marshall Fucker Band, Axis R-18, Effenheimer and Deatheory @ Big V's, 5 bucks, 9:00.

FoodTeam @ Kitty Cat Klub, zero bucks, 10:00.

6/24/08

6/24/08

Okay, why would you go out tonight when you could stay at home and watch a static image of Waylon Jennings over his best song (below)? I take that back; it's probably more like his third best song, and there's some good stuff happening in town tonight. Save the static image of Waylon Jennings over his third best song for when you come home drunk at 2:15 (below). Happy Tuesday, friends.

Pop Wagner's Honky Tonk Ranch with the Twin Cities Playboys @ Eagles Club Aerie 34 - The Nest, zero bucks, 7:30.

Eddy Burke & the Consequences @ Lee's, zero bucks, 9:00.

Headlights (from Champaign), Scout Niblett (from Portland) and Lazer Forever @ Turf Club, 8 bucks, 9:00.

Blingo @ 331 Club, free bingo, awesome prizes, Raleigh's tacos, something about free Jameson? 7-9.

ECLIPSE RECORDS TO BAN ADULTS. Special early-evening pre-Turf performance from Headlights with One for the Team and Now, Now Every Children, only 20 and under admitted, 5 bucks, 4:30. Hm... go buy some pink leggings and pair with a green mini and yellow laceless Chucks, throw on a hoodie with skulls and some bright white sunglasses, then swear your parents won't let you get a driver's license? Or just come to terms with the fact that you're old, stay home, watch static image of Waylon Jennings over his third best song (below).

6/23/08

6/23/08

Jazz Implosion with Face Candy and Dean Magraw @ Turf Club, 5 bucks, 10:00. Must stay home tonight and work on poetry final. Must stay home tonight and work on poetry final. Is it okay to go out if you're seeing this guy whom Wikipedia describes as a well-known freestyle battle CHAMPION whose favorite authors include James Joyce and whose interests include psychology, physics and yoga my point being that he is a rapping POET? Yes. Go for it. Fuck a poetry final. Thanks for getting behind me on this one. You are welcome. Now buy us a drink you fucking weirdo.

Whoa! Did Heath Ledger's face come back from the dead with a little help from Johnny Depp's stylist and go on tour to support an album chock full of delightfully poppy gonna-be-played-on-constant-rotation-in-the-juniors'-section-of-Nordstrom Top 40 hits? No - it's Ryan Cabrera with Ferras and Cory Lamb @ Varsity Theater, 20/25 bucks, 6:00. Twenty-five bucks to see this amazing transformation from teenybopper who dates Ashley Simpson to heart throb with total rocker credibility who dates Elvis' granddaughter? I call that twenty-five bucks well-spent. Right? Right.

Smoking Popes, The Fast Track and Melange @ Triple Rock, 12 bucks, 9:00. That man has a low voice.

The Brass Kings @ Famous Dave's, zero bucks, 8:00. This is my neighbor's band and he is a nice guy. I enjoy the pleasure of hearing him play his guitar out on his porch in the summertime. It makes me happy to be his neighbor. Famous Dave's serves their food on trash can lids.

Red Desert, Leeches of Lore (from Albukerkey) and Lungs @ Big V's, 5 bucks, 9:00. As a rule bands originating in the American Southwest are weird and good, with the exception of Jimmy Eat World from Tempe which is a band that is decidedly not weird.

6/22/08

6/22/08

Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players (from NYC), Touching You (from NYC) and Dana Thompson with Nate Dugan and Mick Wirtz @ Turf Club, 7 bucks, 9:00.

Herb, Fuck Knights, Jindra, Zebras and The Japanese Space Program @ Big V's, 5 bucks, 9:00.

Dingus, the Ugly Fat Kids, The Men Who Control the Weather and KTP (from Lawrence) @ Triple Rock, 5 bucks, 9:00.

The Waybacks (from San Francisco) and The Pines @ 7th Street Entry, 10/12 bucks, 8:00.

High on Stress, Tuesdays Robot and Meg Ashling @ Acadia, 5 bucks, 8:00.

Dumpster Juice Nightcap...What?

Never in one day have I witnessed a more blatant example of polarized cultures. My roommate and I were watching some terrible show about millionaire dating match-ups when we remembered that the Rock the Garden thing was happening. Personally, I thought the line up was beyond horrible, stereotypical, and all around blaaaaaaahhnd, but we hopped on our bikes around 6ish and headed down there anyway. We sat on our bikes for at least three hours talking to this hilarious man with an English accent named Miguel. I couldn't tell if he was calling everyone "wankers" to humor us or if he uses that when talking to his mother on the phone back in Essex. The view was majestic, especially when it looked like the apocalypse was happening to the north, the music was bouncing off of the Walker and delayed before we heard it, so, you know, that was cool. So without further adieu- whatever the hell that means...the highlights.

-PINE CONE RACES!!! While we were standing on the corner behind the Walker and above the parking garage, a group of four or five ran into the street on the hill and squatted down like they were waiting for a race gun to fire...instead, someone yelled "GO!" and they stood up, each letting their respective pine cones roll down the hill; that is until the Escalade came around the bend and took out two of them. I don't believe anyone won.
-Around the middle of the New Pornographers set, people started SNEAKING OUT of the show.
-James, a friendly stranger, rode up on his modified bicycle and spent half an hour trying to convince us to come with him to the Death Metal Solstice house party. I was sold, but couldn't convince my roommate to come. You see, he likes the New Pornographers. Enough said.
-A douche bag who looked jut like Kiefer Sutherland kind of stumbled into the semi circle we were standing in and proceeded to struggle with the removal of his wrist band. Once he ripped it off, he just threw it on the ground. The very jovial Miguel suddenly yells at this guy, "Hey FUCKFACE!!! Who's going to pick that up!!??!?! FUCKING LITTERER!!!" I love accents.

After leaving the Walker, we were trying to think of places to get a drink on the way home. We decided we'd cruise past the Uptown to see what the cover would be and who was playing. As it turns out, Minneapolis metal legends Dumpster Juice were headlining. A far cry from the show were were previously laughing at. Since I've only lived here for a couple of years, they were one of the many bands that I'd heard of, but never actually heard. Now kids, quite honestly this might have been one of the best, BEST shows I have seen since I moved here. I happen to have an inexplicably large soft spot for good metal, while my roommate would rather watch his family die than mingle with farmers dressed in Slayer shirts...like several of the people there. We got some cheap beers, went outside to smoke, and Roommate asked the largest, angriest, drunkest man there if he could take a chair from his empty table. I thought Roommate was done. They guy looks at him like he wanted to eat him, tells him to take the fucking ashtray too, and the fucking table, and whatever else he fucking wanted. I thought I was going to end up biking home alone. Fortunately, Three-hundred Pounds of Pain didn't talk to us again and we were able to regroup and figure out (whaaaa, Roxy Music on the Current right now?...hmmm) who to avoid making eye contact with, which was pretty much everyone but the waitress. I don't understand why tall, bald metalheads think its okay to just rub their hands all over my head when I walk by them, but they do. "I like your hair, what's your name? Come talk to me...I'm in _____ band and you should give me your number so I can tell you when we're playing..." etc. etc.. One guy bummed me a cigar when I ran out of rolling papers. Bizarre.
Anyway, the highlight of this show was definitely the music, that and the huge front guy named Rolland who had "black hole" written on his gut with a black diamond shape filled in around his belly button. He even had a light fastened to his crotch that he would turn on from time to time and air hump the audience- (think Chris Farley in the SNL Chippendale sketch with Patrick Swazy...) all in good fun. I f'n loved their personalities, the stage banter was humorous and they weren't trying to do anything but rock. It seemed so, so natural. I also met the bass player form Erik and the Savages. Doug, you definitely seem like an awesome dude. How many times do you see the same person at show after show before you finally say something to them? He is one of those people. I am horrible at breaking down invisible walls. I'm not holier than thou, I'm just paralyzed in a social shell. It's easier to friend them on MySpace, of course, this makes it even more awkward when you see them at every show because you both know that you're friends in a made up world.
I'll post next time I see Dumpster Juice playing. No regrets.
I'm going to find an air show to go to. I feel like watching fighter planes do some fancy stuff, and there are F-somethings flying over my house. I hope its the Blue Angels...theys some studly flying machines mmmmmhmmmm.

6/21/08

6/21/08
YOU WILL NOT BE GOING TO:
Rock the Garden 2008 @ the Walker Sculpture Garden, 35/40 bucks, 4:00 because it is sold out.
NOR WILL YOU BE GOING TO:
Bill Frisell @ the Cedar, 30/40 bucks, 8:00 because it is canceled.

INSTEAD, WHY DON'T YOU TRY:
Mark Mallman with Now, Now Every Children and Hope for the Future @ 5:00; and again with Mercurial Rage and StrangeLights @ 9:00, the Entry, 8 bucks.
The Belfast Cowboys and The Congo Eels @ Whiskey Junction, 9:30.
The Deaths, The Dad In Common, Magic Castles and Daughters of the Sun @ the Hex, zero bucks, 9:00.
Les Deux Magots, The Deaf, Kitten Forever and Atomic Annie @ Big V's, 5 bucks, 9:00.
Pabst Blue Ribbon: The Big Blowout Phase II with These Modern Socks, Solid Gold, The Cosmic Comedy, Economy Team, Speed's the Name and The Guystorm @ Psycho Suzi's Motor Lounge, zero bucks, 3:00.
Priss @ Cafe Maude, zero bucks, 9:00.
Diesto (from Portland), The Blood Shot and Calutron Girl @ Club Underground, 5 bucks, 9:00.
Front Porch Swingin' Liquor Pigs @ Mayslacks, 5 bucks.
Twin Cities Jazz Festival with the Ravi Coltrane Quartet @ Mears Park, zero bucks, 830.
Nice and Neat Fest with The Potential Johns (from Texas), A/V Murder (from Chicago), Fontana (from Michigan) and France Has the Bomb @ Turf Club, probably not all that expensive, 9:00.

AND YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO TRUST US ON THIS ONE:
Wh-what? You've never been to Merlins Rest? You lose. We're sick of looking at friends and saying "Wh-what? You've never been to Merlins Rest?" and so we think you should go there tonight, because Papa John Kolstad and the Hot Club of East Lake is playing, zero bucks, 9:00. Please now visit the website to learn all about regular Wild Bill Watkins, "once and future celt...one of Merlins Rest's most notable friends." According to the site Wild Bill can be found at Merlins Rest a few times a week sharing stories of a life spent in his native Ireland and around the UK. This is absolutely true, as we have spoken to Wild Bill and he does indeed share stores of a life spent in his native Ireland. He can also give you the scoop on every regular in that place. He also makes kilts to order. He is also a real nice dude and so if you run into him you will not regret having stopped in. Merlins Rest is where Popeye's (not the chicken) used to be, not to be confused with McMahon's Irish Pub, which is where the Poodle Club used to be. East Lake be a-changin'. P.S. If you can't make it tonight, there's some other night where a bunch of men sit around a table up front and play Irish-y covers of 70s classic rock hits. I don't know the night. But it's fucking awesome. Wild Horses on the Mandolin is a very pretty thing.
DISCLAIMER:
You will run into ren-festers. And the twenty-something lady servers WILL hit on your male friends, distracting your male friends from conversation with you and more alarmingly, distracting themselves from keeping your glass filled with Jameson.

6/20/08

6/20/08
Ouija Radio, Gospel Gossip and Hojas Rojas @ Stasiu's, 5 bucks, 9:00.
Nice and Neat 10 Year Anniversary/Srideo Birthday Celebration Festival with Birthday Suits, Disappears (from Chicago), Awesome Snakes, Guinea Worms (from Columbus) and The Dynamiters @ the Turf Club, turdy point bucks (or TBA), 9:00.
Gay Witch Abortion, Diesto (from Portland) and The Bloodshot @ the Hexagon, zero bucks, 9:00.
The Detroit Cobras, Les Sans Culottes and Death to Our Enemies @ the Triple Rock, 14 bucks, 9:00.
Little Man, Little Pieces (from Seattle) and The Small Cities @ the Uptown, 5 bucks, 9:00.
Writer Jonathan Miles reads from his new novel Dear American Airlines with music from @ 7:00 followed by STOOK! and Nick Leet (High on Stress) @ 9:30 @ 331, zero bucks plus $2.50 rum 'n cokes.
Hodge Podge, Capital Sons and Mass Drastic @ Station 4, 5 bucks, 9:00.
AND IN THE PICKLE PARK! The Mason Dixons @ Pickle Park, 3 bucks?, 9:00.

6/19/08

6/19/08

Western Fifth, Sleeper Car, The Evening Rig and Prairie Sons @ Hexagon Bar, zero bucks, 9:00.

Building Better Bombs and Batteries @ Uptown Bar, zero bucks, 9:00.

Halloween in June with Dream Dead Language, Castle, Homemade Superheroes and Class of 86 @ Stasiu's, 5/3 bucks with costume, 9:00.

Superhopper, Lazerwolfs, Vibrolas, Ron Band @ Big V's, 5 bucks, 9:00.

Big Cats! @ the Dinkytowner, 3 bucks, 9:00.

Little Man and Martin Devaney @ Mears Park, zero bucks, 6:00.

6/18/08

6/18/08
The Black Angels with The Warlocks @ the Turf Club, 12 bucks, 8:00. I like it when the cover is posted for the Turf so I don't have to make up some bullshit. Everyone's going to this show. Mom says I can't on account of the bands' names. Life's not fair.
humanboy with NOBOT and DJ Skagnetti @ 400 Bar, 5 bucks, 8:00.
The Invincible Kids with Spanish for 100 and Military Special @ Uptown Bar, zero bucks, 9:00.
Fake Problems with Banner Pilot, The Absent Arch, Merge Left and Resolve @ Triple Rock, 6/8 bucks, 5:00.

Cock Locked and Ready to Rock.

Alright, we'll keep this short and sweet;

In western New York, about thirty minutes south of Rochester to be exact, there is a tiny town with a tiny taxidermy which somehow manages to book Ted Nugent to give speeches in a screen tent in the back yard. Every few years he closes down the town, and literally the only wheels on the road are four wheelers and lawn mowers...maybe an I-Roc or two. One year in particular, my brothers (who are twenty years older than I am, respectfully) let my friend and I tag along with them and their friends. When I say "tag along" I mean they allowed us to play hackey sack ten feet from the truck they were tailgating from.
I think this was the 2001 tour where he was promoting "Gods, Guns & Rock N Roll" as a guide to solving all problems, although I must argue Frank Zappa was much more successful in laying it out there in "The Real Frank Zappa Book."
Anyway, I remember so clearly seeing a man who was probably in his late seventies, or maybe a sun damaged mid-sixties, whose face looked kind of like Christopher Walkin's, but he had hair like Father Time. He was dressed in full Native American garb, with a bow on his back that you knew he was going to do something with. He was actually one of the ones who rolled up in a red I-Roc, although this is besides the point.
My friend and I waited around for my brother to come out of the Taxidermy, which he eventually did with four copies of Nuge's book, all autographed, and not one copy for me. I asked him if he had seen Father Time in there and he told me this:
FT had given Ted an Aspirin which he placed on the top of his thumb. When FT had the bow drawn and nodded to Nuge, Ted flicked the tiny pill into the air and FT shot straight through it with an arrow. Dust. I shit you not.
I wanted to stick around to see that guy come out of the shop, but there was an after party at FoXy's, the strip bar in the neighboring town where, if you sit close enough, you can tell how many months along the girls are. I obviously did not go with my brother because that would be twisted and illegal, seeing as how I was probably sixteen when this day went down.

I was instructed that my first post be about Ted- sorry he's only a minor character. Its entirely too early for me to be doing this, since I was up until I have no idea what time with a bunch-o-strangers on my back porch and several cases of PBR. Yesterday afternoon, two friends and I went to a wonderful happy hour. All was going well until Amber realized she was chewing on glass...so the waitress told us to drink up because our bill was covered. Sweet sweet free Long Islands. We ended up coming back to my porch with an entourage, and those people called their friends, etc. If you want people to leave, play Dream Theater really loud, and make an ass out of anyone who says they don't appreciate it.

It's like Queensryche and algebra, either you get it or you don't. Speaking of which, I just had two free tickets to Dream Theater a few weeks ago could not find one person who would be willing to check it out. C'mon!!! FREE TICKETS. While I've never seen them live, usually on Christmas or other family holiday gatherings, my family will end up around the television watching some band's new concert DVD...this past Christmas it was Dream Theater, and the I think for Thanksgiving it was...Rush? I just remember my mom coming downstairs and asking what we were all watching, my 43 year old brother shhhhhhing her saying, "it's a concept album mom, you wouldn't understand."

And to cover the local part...I promise to talk about the Heroine Sheiks show I saw on Saturday at the Turf Club. Holy mixed feelings! Yikes!

I'm sorry I got drunk and made your show totally awesome! Mute Era, mr. Gnome, Gay Witch Abortion and the nine the pinta, Hex 6/12/08

Photos by Rough Shooter.

Dudes. So I went to the Hexagon Bar in South Minneapolis last Thursday and like, drank WAY too many rum and diets, like THREE OF THEM!!! And like totally missed all but the last two songs of the nina the pinta. Total bummer. But they were like WAY AWESOME but then like my new FAVORITE band GAY WITCH ABORTION played!!! They were, like, so totally awesome that I JUST HAD TO DANCE! Seriously. Like, have you seen these guys before? How could you NOT dance? They're awesomely awesome.



No one else was dancing WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS? Lame! But hey dudes, they're playing at that bar again this Friday night with The Bloodshot, Diesto, and Norsemen, and I don't care what you haters say that music is all for dancing so you can come dance with me then! Like seriously - Friday night and rum and diet and Gay Witch Abortion and dancing - WHAT ELSE COULD YOU EVEN WANT TO DO YOU LOSERS?!?!?!!!!

Anyway, so I was dancing right? And then I thought it would be totally awesome if they did a shout-out from the stage. But not for me, sillies! For Mr. Roboto! That's such an awesome song. But I don't remember how to say it in Japanese when I'm drunk on rum and diets and so, like, I thought I should have someone ask them for me and so I asked some girl to ask the singer to shout-out "THANK YOU MR. ROBOTO!" but she wouldn't do it even though I asked her nice and so she said I should just do it and so I got onstage, right?



WOO!



At first I thought the sound guy thought I was totally cute and awesome. Which I am.



BUT THEN HE MADE ME GET OFF THE STAGE EVEN THOUGH THAT GIRL TOTALLY TOLD ME I COULD BE UP THERE!



LAME!
And even though the band totally loved me and so did the entire audience!



And then the really mean bouncer lady kicked me out. Man, she's one tough lady!*

Okay, that wasn't really us.

But that Gay Witch Abortion set was totally awesome, made more awesome by the drunk girl. These guys are really stinking good, even if their name is only half as good as a certain other band in this town. We'll forgive them that, though, because that other band's name is really fucking good and Gay Witch Abortion is really fucking good. Listen to this, it is my favorite song.



So I'm a big fan of the Melvins, right? But Melvins shows tend to lean toward the Zzzzzzzzzzzside what with all the long periods of fuzz and noise and nothing-much-happening. These guys give me that rock noise sludge fix without putting me to sleep NOT TO SAY AT ALL THAT THE MELVINS PUT ME TO SLEEP. They lull me. That's kinder. Gay Witch Abortion does not lull me. And Shawn Walker gives Dale Crover a run for his money and I'm afraid I should start wearing my safety glasses from shop class to their shows because he plays those drums real hard and shards of stick wood fly all over the damn place.



Seriously. Put on your shop class safety glasses and watch. Oh, and bring ear plugs unless your hearing's already shot to hell like mine because these guys are kind of loud. Oh, and so I've said something nice about the drummer so let's talk about the guitarist.

According to my Google search - and did you know this about yourself Jesse? - Jesse Bottomley in addition to being the guitar player for Gay Witch Abortion is also a talkative girl who has been best friends with sixth grader Alissa Mell since kindergarten. To illustrate this fact, I'll also mention that Jesse and Alissa do nearly everything together and furthermore, if you type "best friends" into Wikipedia their picture can be found. This is a very sweet story about Jesse Bottomley. I would also like to point out that he is a very good guitar player, and I learned this when I dragged my neighbor who is a very huge guitar geek to their Halloween show at the Hex with the promise that he would love this band. My neighbor the guitar geek, his jaw dropped the entire time, started rambling off questions "How does he and how does he and what the and where's his and how would you?" accompanied with a bunch of technical jargon about amps and pedals that my dumb brain doesn't understand. I was like "Why don't you just ask him?" but my friend upon hearing his band regarded this dude as some sort of guitar demigod and was afraid to approach him even though he was dressed as a sock monkey. Go figure. In any case, I hope this illustrates that he is very good and are you still listening to me go on and on about Gay Witch Abortion? That must mean you are a really big fan. Hooray for you and for us and for Gay Witch Abortion! Here are some photographs of Alissa's best friend's very veiny arms.







This is the longest I plan to ever to devote to any review of any band's show ever ever because now there's less space to talk about the last two awesome bands who followed the band that I love love love love love like-they're-made-out-of-Little-Debbie-Snack-Cakes-and-whiskey's set, the first of which would be a band out of Cleveland called mr. Gnome. So when combined with the band I love more than deviled eggs and cocaine and the final band, the night was 75% represented by two-piece bands. the nina the pinta were the odd men out. Shit kiddos, I love the two-piece bands much more than the twenty-piece bands, I gotta say. If you can make it totally work with a drummer and a guitar player I say fuck a bass player and fuck three more drummers.

I'm sure your attention is running short so here's some noise to keep you entertained.

And by noise I mean these two are really good but you needed something to wake you from my rambling-induced slumber, no? Jesus. You'd think we were watching the Melvins. To be totally honest, their live show doesn't sound as good as their recorded stuff, but that's not a bad thing. That just means they found themselves a good studio and a good engineer and that's nothing to fault them for, right? Not at all. And not to say their live performance wasn't good - it was. Check them out when they return to town. I give them two antlers up. And the singer rocks out on a step ladder, which I am told is all the rage these days.

Last up was the final two-piece, Mute Era. These cats were good, but I must admit that I was in the other room totally losing at darts so I was not a good little listener. My darts rival (he came in first and my arm was sore the next day which reminded me I should really start working out so fuck him) mentioned it sounded like a late 90s basement party near the campus of our alma mater. A couple kids making noise, a lot of people hanging out listening casually but no one actually rocking out to the band. I wouldn't know, but there you go. And I suppose it was true, as we were listening casually from the other room while I got all tired from throwing darts. That makes me a loser. And next time I'll be a more engaged listener as long as some fucker doesn't challenge me to darts and then beat me. Fucker!

*Disclaimer: This fictionalized account of an actual event was not meant in any way to make fun of that girl. She was pretty fucking cool and totally cute, we're sorry she got kicked out though we fully understand from the perspectives of both the sound dude and the bouncer why this became necessary, and most importantly, we hope we run into her again. We will buy her more of whatever she's drinking, as long as she promises to behave herself and find a sober driver home. THANK YOU MR. ROBOTO! We've got your shout-out, honey pie!

6/17/08

Hm.
HEY! TONIGHT!
Vinyl-Venus' Space-Lounge with Venus DeMars of All the Pretty Horses @ 331 Club, zero bucks. Plus $2.50 margaritas all night.
More Blood Tour with Neutral Ron Hotel, Nick Plays Beck, and Tremendous Fucking @ Big V's, 5 bucks, 9:00. We don't know what the fuck this is but it sure sounds like a real good time.
2-4-1s and DJs @ The Triple Rock, zero bucks, 9-midnight.

6/16/08 Ev-ry-bo-dy-seems-to-naaag...me.

6/16/08
Good Monday morning to you. Watch this - it is the best way to start your day.

Monday morning doesn't feel so bad now, does it?
I am in love with Stevie Wright of the Easybeats. It's really quite serious. Oh but hey, here's some stuff going on tonight.

Constantines with Red Pens and The Millionth Word @ 7th Street Entry, 10/12 bucks, 8:00.
Jazz Implosion @ the Turf Club, 5 bucks, 9:30.
Roe Family Singers @ 331 Club, zero bucks, 9:00. Plus, $2.50 gin and vodka tonics. They're not strong, but that's still awfully cheap.
Punk Rock Bowling with Tough Tough Skin ,The Knotwells, Kitten Forever and This Again @ Memory Lanes, 10 bucks (includes unlimited bowling and shoes), 10:00.

I have this problem. I've had this problem since I was very young. I fall in love with pop singers of the 1960s. Well, with their younger selves, and it all started with Davy Jones; I was six, he was forty-one. I was in love with his younger self, you know, from the television program. The twenty-year-old version of Davy Jones. Close in age to me, sure, yet still illegal and inappropriate.

I still suffer from delusions that allow me to believe these pop singers still walk the earth as their single, twenty-year-old selves and still front really awesome pop bands when, in fact, most of them are unavailable (married, children), are no longer fronting really awesome pop bands (touring the outdoor festival circuit doesn't count), no longer resemble their young, handsome selves (bear witness to another of my disappointments by viewing photographs of Gary Brooker then and now), are dead (Tim Buckley) or should be. Note that Stevie Wright underwent the controversial Deep Sleep Therapy to overcome drug and alcohol dependency issues, but it only served to make him really, really crazy. Note also that that link will take you to the Church of Scientology and so the information is not to be believed. Note now that nowadays Stevie Wright looks like this. Hm.

Now, for a serious mindfuck; you realize just how young they were in that film footage that makes you pine for them. Stevie, around nineteen. Alex Chilton? Seventeen.

In case you wonder whether he's so energetic in all his performances, view this (because it's worth a second listen on a Monday morning) and the answer will become apparent. I LOVE HIM.

6/15/08 Happy Father's Day, Tommy Lee!

6/15/08
Where'd Saturday go?
Fixed Gears are for Jerks and Lesbians with Hayduke Lives!, Tough Tough Skin and herr.pojke @ Triple Rock, 3 bucks, 9:00.
Filter with 10 Yearsand Opiate for the Masses @ THE ROCK!!! 20/25 bucks, 7:00. Filter was started by two guys who used to tour with Nine Inch Nails. I read that in Spin magazine when I was 15. They wrote a song that was supposedly about Kurt Cobain but supposedly not. Remember how much people cared about that dead guy once?
More Cowbell's Mixed Mag Series with Priss, featuring Chris Morrissey, Peter Leggett, Chris Thomson and Bryan Nichols, with Tentacle Boy, Bill Mike featuring Carnage and Jacqueline Ferrier-Ultan, and Hummingbird featuring Jesse Schuster from Lucy Michelle & The Velvet Lapelles @ Acadia, 5 bucks, 8:00.

OOH SPOOKY! 6/13/08

6/13/08
Themes with Brian Whitson and the Night Wolves, Splinter Cells and Kill to Kill @ the Turf Club, to enter you will watch as a black cat crosses your path then walk under a ladder before breaking a very large mirror (or TBA), 9:30. Bring salt.
Little Man with National Bird, the Broken Letters, and Shy @ Stasiu's, 5 bucks, 9:00.
Billy Bragg with C.R. Avery @ the Cedar, 25/28 bucks BUT SOLD OUT! (couldn't even find anything on craigslist), 7:00.
Charlie Parr @ Peavey Plaza, zero bucks, noon, and then again @ Electric Fetus, zero bucks, 3:00.
The Annuals with We All Have Hooks for Hands @ the Varsity, 10 bucks, 5:00. A friend played The Annuals for me a while back. He likes music of the sappy girly variety and so I was skeptical. They are good.
The Electric Fetus 40th Anniversary Celebration with Doomtree, Polara, THE HYPSTRZ, Tony Glover and V3, and The New Standards in the First Ave Mainroom, and A Night in the Box, Jon Rodine, Moon Maan, and the Electric Fetus All-Stars in the Entry, 5/10 bucks, 7:00.
Awesome Snakes with the Shortcuts, Fuck Knights, and the Slats @ the Hex, zero bucks, 9:00.
The Debut with Big Ditch Road and The Wars of 1812 @ the Triple Rock, 10 bucks, 9:00.
And would you believe it if I told you GB Leighton was playing tonight? Believe it. Engage in a cyber-scavenger hunt to determine the locale for this evening's show as well as venues for all his shows over the next 7 days, and contact us for the prize of one beaver pelt.

6/12/08

6/12/08
Mute Era with mr. Gnome, Gay Witch Abortion, the nina the pinta@ the Hex, zero bucks, 9:00. HEY, MORE TWO-PIECES THAN A BIKINI STORE! Where the fuck are Birthday Suits and Knife World? Where the fuck? Where the fuck? I love Gay Witch Abortion. My bedroom walls are covered in Gay Witch Abortion posters pulled from the pages of Tiger Beat magazine. Where's the santa maria? Where the fuck?
Gogol Bordello with Dusty Rhodes and the River Band (perhaps incorrectly billed elsewhere as "Dusty Rose" et al? Anyway, check them out. They're pretty darn good.) Outside @ Cabooze, 22/25 bucks, 6:00. AAAAAND...
...ohmysweetjesusinsideisDavid Allan Coe with (okay, better name than Gay Witch Abortion) Bob Wayne and the Outlaw Carnies and White Iron Band Inside @ Cabooze, 20/22 bucks, 8:00. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Who does the Cabooze think they are throwing all these great bands together inside and out on the same evening? I couldn't be facetious if I tried.
Roma di Luna@ Electric Fetus, zero bucks, 7:00.
Haley Bonar CD Release Show with Jeremy Messersmith and Mystery Palace @ the Varsity, 12/14 bucks, 7:30.
el ten eleven with Dance Band and Solid Gold@ Turf, you pay with the blood of one thousand goats (or TBA), 9:00.
Captain Blasted feat. members of the Sensational Joint Chiefs@ 331 Club, zero bucks, 9:00. That sounds like some pretty fucking happy music, folks! Plus, $1 off all taps til 10, $2.50 Cosmopolitans (pretty sure I got pretty drunk on that drink special once or thrice), and for the winos, 1/2 price bottles of wine but only til nine.
GB LEIGHTON'S PLAYING AT HIS PICKLE PARK! You pay in pickles, 10:30.

I knew he was in there and he was gon' tear m'ass up.

Hi ho, Stuffed Pheasant here reporting from the 1200 block of Lagoon Avenue in Uptown Minneapolis...

...where Pharrell Williams, N.E.R.D. frontman and hip-hop/pop producer extraordinaire is hanging at this very moment, making the masses of midwestern 16 year old boys go absolutely nuts in the rain. Status, as I understand it, is carrying Pharrell's clothing line Billionaire Boys Club exclusively for the area and so he's onsite for the store's grand opening, with N.E.R.D. in town to open for Kanye tonight along with Rihanna and Lupe Fiasco. Why do we care? Because Pharrell Williams is really fucking cute. I just strong-armed my way past the masses of midwestern 16 year old boys and then security and Pharrell just asked me to marry him and now he's gon' tear m'ass up. Cute!

From the looks on the faces of the 16 year old boys who were not let in as they huff and puff and make their best "WTF man!" expressions then do their best to peer into the windows as they wait in the rain, N.E.R.D. is probably playing right now. I didn't stick around for that, as Pharrell will be coming to my place after the show. And he's NOT bringing Kanye with him! That dude is a drag and wears retarded sunglasses.

6/11/08

6/11/08
GB Leighton@Alive After Five, Peavey Plaza, zero bucks, 5:00. Because at Stuffed Pheasant, we love GB Leighton.
Iron & Wine with The Uglysuit @ First Ave, 20/22 bucks, 7:30. That M&Ms video is the closest I get to come to psychedelic drugs because Uncle Ted says we shouldn't take psychedelic drugs.
Kanye We...JUST KIDDING THAT DUDE SUCKS! Seriously. He needs to get over himself. Don't support this stupidity by buying a $38-128 ticket to see him at the Target Center, 6:00.
Too Many Banjos@ Turf Club, a whole lotta bucks (or TBA), 9:00. Too Many Banjos? How Now Brown Cow? We don't have any idea what this could possibly entail. Is the Turf Club even large enough to hold TOO many banjos? Or perhaps that is the point? Perhaps they will fill the Turf Club to capacity with banjos, and the banjo-less masses will have to go east to Big V's to see the show there or west to HookHookFish'nChicken for chicken gizzards? Either way, this is curiously enticing. And I LOVE chicken gizzards!

Target Center, 6/9/08: Big Gay Al's Big Gay Concert Tour

Let's not bury the lead on this one: I cried during the True Colors Tour. Okay? There. I said it. I may be a hard-nosed, hard-charging, high-powered, ass-kicking, red-blooded American bitch, but does a bitch not bleed? We do, my friends, we do, especially in the presence of 80's New Wave royalty. And homosexuals. The gays make us cry, and not in the way they make Pat Robertson cry.

We had box seats (haha, BOX, like vagina, so appropriate considering the number of lesbians in attendance), given to me by a local ad agency as payment for mounting a moose head they intended to hang in their lobby. (They requested the addition of a propeller beanie to the moose, something I struggled with professionally, as I always aim to please the client, but also to respect the dignity of the fine creatures I work with. Ultimately, we compromised on a rabbit fur lined bomber, which is the sort of hat I feel a moose would wear if moose wore hats.) Unfortunately, there was no big screen to enhance our viewing experience, so the performers looked like tiny ant people and it was really like we had nosebleed seats, only with a private bathroom.

We missed most of The Cliks (because the show started at 6:30, while I was finishing my beer and nachos at a nearby bar), which I now regret a little bit after hearing their singer perform with Cyndi during her set, as he was very good. THIS JUST IN: He used to be a she. Oh, okay. That explains some things.

Tegan and Sara were quite enjoyable, though they didn't really get a chance in their short set to rock out as much as I suspect they are capable of. They did "Walking with a Ghost," and I thought again how every time I hear that song it sounds like "smoking with a ghost." Does anyone else hear it that way? Anyway, I'm a fan and I would probably get all fluttery inside if one of them came on to me.

I'm not going to talk about Rosie O'Donnell because she didn't actually perform music and I am too lazy to extend this summary into the "comedy/storytelling/angry lesbian with a dead mother" territory.

On then, to The B-52's! God bless The B-52's for still being alive. Oh, except I've just learned that one of them isn't. I'm an asshole. Umm. Some fun facts: Cindy Wilson is the only hetero B-52. Kate Pierson and her lady love run a very groovy motel in the Catskills. Fred Schneider's vocal technique is called "sprechgesang." Keith Strickland dedicated a song during the show to Ricky Wilson, who I now gather was Cindy's brother and died in 1985 from complications of AIDS. I really have to start doing research in advance.

Well, those kids put on a damn good show, and they didn't even seem to despise performing "Love Shack." There was a man dancing very excitedly in the aisle during most of their set, and the way he was silhouetted with pink lighting in the background made it look like a very gay iTunes commercial. And you know what? He looked so happy, I'd buy whatever he was selling.

And finally, Cyndi Lauper. Okay, it's like this: There are some performers that you don't really expect to see live in your lifetime, because while you may appreciate them and be aware of the fact that they are legends, you're not, like, their number-one fan and you wouldn't readily shell out a bunch of cash for a ticket. Cyndi Lauper was like that for me. She's So Unusual came out before I could walk, and I'm glad that I've grown up in a world in which Cyndi exists, but I didn't think too much about it before seeing her. And it must be all the Betty Friedan I've been reading lately, but it finally struck me during her performance that I am deeply, deeply grateful for her existence, and if I ever had a baby girl I would want to teach her to dance to She's So Unusual. And so yeah, I cried during "Time After Time." IT IS A BEAUTIFUL SONG, OKAY??? GOD.

In the end, all the bands came out for a final encore and a bunch of balloons of all colors and sizes fell from the ceiling as they performed "Everyday People." It was like gay Sesame Street. And then, surprise surprise, they ended with everyone singing "True Colors," and the backdrop lit up with neon letters spelling out "equality," and I thought about the nice lesbian couple in the front row who told Carson Kressley they'd been together for 13 years and I cried again.

OH MY GOD, SO PAINFULLY EARNEST.

As a demonstration of my support for the cause, I'm currently working on a mounting of two squirrel bucks in flagrante delicto, which I plan on shipping to Michele Bachmann's office.

Probably that won't help anything.

More innovative than the first taxidermist to mount a deer jumping over barbed wire fence!

The Association of Alternative Newsweeklies has bestowed an award for innovation upon our very own City Pages, for the Twin Cities Rock Atlas compiled by Peter Scholtes, Jeff Shaw and Kevin Cannon. (There are a lot of good nacho joints on that map. Oh my god, I'm going to make a Twin Cities Nacho Atlas, that's what I'ma do.) Bravo, gentlemen, on your fine reportage and illustration, though you did leave off the VFW, and if cootie raffles and alcoholic divorcees singing ABBA aren't rock and roll, then I don't know what is.

6/10/08

6/10/08
Styrofoam (aaaaaaall the way from Belgium) with Broken Spindles and Ghost in the Water @ the Entry, 8 bucks, 8:00.
James Buckley Trio @ Kitty Cat Klub, zero bucks.

6/9/08

6/9/08
True Colors Tour with Cyndi Lauper, the B-52s, Tegan and Sara, The Clicks, Rosie O'Donnell and some Queer Guy @ Target Center, 38-128 bucks, 6:30. We've got box seats, dudes!
The Benny Weinbeck Group @ Brix Bistro & Wine Bar, zero bucks, 6:30. Benny's a good piano player and good guy.
Roe Family Singers @ 331, zero bucks, 9:00. I have no further commentary as I am not familiar with these Singers but it is free and gin/vodka tonics are only $2.50. I think I got drunk there once on such a night. That's cheap!

The Turf Club, 6/7/08: Some bands are just in it for the pussy.

When reviewing a show, it is always helpful to know the names of the bands that you saw, so I am starting at a disadvantage here. In my defense, I wasn't planning on going out last night. A friend and I had gone to Little T's in late afternoon and split an order of nachos supreme ("Do you know what you're getting into? Are you sure you don't want the half order?" the awkward waiter asked us, unaware of the nacho carnage he was about to witness. I mean, I'm not obese anymore, but my stomach remembers those days and can still accommodate a lot of food.), so I was planning on spending the evening on the sofa, digesting and stuff, but then my co-taxidermist texted to inform me that there was a show at the Turf, "big show, cute hipster boys guaranteed." And seeing as how I'd spent the past several weekends at home alone, alternately reading angry feminist literature and working on my online dating profile (not a productive combo, FYI; doesn't exactly lend itself to the kind of mindset in which you can compose an adorable "about me" section), I said digestion be damned (out loud, "Digestion be damned!" I proclaimed), popped a couple Tums and headed to the Turf.

So here's where I start piecing together info to determine the bands I probably saw, since I didn't know at the time. Pretty sure I was there for the Tight Phantomz, Tornavalanche, and Vampire Hands portion of the evening, with a bonus performance by Yellow Swans, whom I gather were supposed to play the night before, but were held up by some fine Midwestern weather. I should preface all of this by saying the musical styles on the bill were not exactly my cup of tea, so if you're a fan of the aforementioned bands (and I gather there are many, and a very active message board) you should not get all prickly over my nonenthusiasm.

That said, I kind of liked Tight Phantomz, despite the creative approach they've taken to pluralization. It might be because it was the first band I saw and I was feeling cheerful because Father Goose was playing on the TV above the bar, but I thought the bassist/singer had nice moves. Like, he was obviously enjoying himself and it was entertaining to witness his joy. In contrast, Tornavalanche struck me as being in it for the girls and not the music. Also, four of the five members were wearing sleeveless shirts, so... minus four points for men in sleeveless shirts. You know that they masturbate in front of a mirror.

I couldn't tell you much about Vampire Hands because by that time I was drunk and eating the chocolate Skittles that my hunting buddy had purchased from the vending machine because her friend told us that they were gross and we wanted to confirm. (I'd say the lighter-colored ones are okay, but the dark ones were, in fact, gross and chemical-y.) It was hot in the club and suddenly the lyrics to Carly Simon's "Two Hot Girls (On a Hot Summer Night)" popped into my head, which should tell you just precisely how unqualified I am to be reviewing this show.

And finally, Yellow Swans. By this point in the evening I had taken a seat at the bar near the TV, which was showing a different, very dark-looking Leslie Caron movie. (IMDB leads me to believe it was The L-Shaped Room, plot keywords: "kitchen sink realism, abortion, pregnancy, lesbian, independent film." Jesus Christ, Leslie Caron, I had no idea!) The band set up and played on the floor rather than the stage, which was a big hit with their fans, who took the opportunity to encircle the band and sway, entranced. I was sleepy and drinking water and my feet hurt and I wanted to go home to bed, so my grumpy thoughts on Yellow Swans were: very loud, kind of reminded me of Explosions in the Sky in that they are very fond of distortion pedals, only not really like Explosions in the Sky in that they're not very accessible and I can't imagine their music being used to score a heartfelt network TV drama such as Friday Night Lights. They did have their fans though. If you want to call me a retard (and you wouldn't be the first), you could liken it to how some people really appreciate those hugely expensive black canvases that hang in every modern art museum, because those people get it, or whatever, but I am a rube and I don't get it. The fans are likely saddened to know that Yellow Swans, according to their MySpace blog, are finishing up their scheduled performances this month and then "moving on."

Me? I'm moving on to the True Colors Tour, hitting the Target Center this Monday, which, once again, should reinforce how unqualified I am to be reviewing local indie rock shows. My fellow taxidermists are not generally comfortable with the sort of folk the True Colors Tour is targeting (read: the HOMOSEXUALS), but I do like challenging convention. As long as I don't have to stay out too late, and it's not too loud, and I have a comfortable place to sit. I like challenging convention under those circumstances.

6/8/08

6/8/08
A Night in the Box CD Release Show with Plastic Chord and Bitch N' Brown @ the Entry, 6 bucks, 9:00.

I do not know what is going on, Triple Rock 6/7/08

So last night was the Modern Radio 9 Year Anniversary Celebration show at The Triple Rock, the evening's celebration (as my internet sleuthing has indicated it is a multi-night celebration) featuring Yellow Swans, Sicbay, STNNNG, ft(The Shadow Government) and Church of Gravitron. Yellow Swans did not play, apparently due to some issues involving an impending 'nado. They'll be playing tonight at the Turf Club, friends. See below. Six bands. Woo! That's a lot.

As per usual, I was painfully uncool, uninformed and out of the loop. I didn't know what Modern Radio is. Do now, see, I went to their website and all and now I'm like totally in the know. I am informed. Looped-in. A young man approached me asking me if I was on the board. The who and the what and huh-where? Seeing my dumbfounded expression and stopping me before I started to answer, "No, but I do serve on a number of committees...?" my friend answered for me - "No. She's not. She is painfully uncool, uninformed and out of the loop." Turns out the young man thought I was a young woman he'd been conversing with electronically on said board. Nope. Wrong suspect. Too bad - I hope that when he meets this electronic lady she turns out to be funnier, smarter and more attractive than I am. Good luck to you, stranger.

So I arrived late, as I got caught up working on a wild boar mount that proved a little more difficult than planned (but isn't it awesome?), and as such missed Church of Gravitron. Having missed them and thus being again uninformed and out of the loop, I'm going to go ahead and say they were awesome. Fucking amazing. The best I've ever seen. I'm going to join that Church they were so damn good.

Following the best band I've ever not seen were ft(the Shadow Government). My friend who is cool, informed and in the loop educated me on this band by sharing that they all reside in different corners of the midwest (per the myspace, these corners would include Iowa City/Chicago/Minneapolis/Milwaukee), and that their practice time generally consists of the rare occasions on which they gather to perform. Accordingly, they were a little messy but hey I guess that comes with the territory and indeed when accompanied by that explanation they were an endearing and entertaining bunch. Good stuff, count me a newly informed and in the loop fan. It would be nice to see more of this band. They have five hundred members and a variety of percussive instruments. Seven singers and seventeen drummers and seven hundred guitar players and one bass. Good stuff!

Please google STNNNG.

That's funny.

Last night was the first time I've seen STNNNG sober. I am slowly accumulating more and more bands for my list of bands I've now seen for the first time sober. That would be because I do not have a boyfriend to drive my drunk ass around, just another of the numerous perks of being single. Gotta stay relatively sober so you can get your drunk ass home, and far less reason to get drunk because boyfriends are a drag. Almost as much of a drag as girlfriends, I reckon, though not quite. This feller (oh god I love that album and i LOVE polar bears) is just a little firecracker on stage, I tell you what. He makes the goshdarn show with all his prancing and grunting and whatnot. His little toy blowhorn didn't really work, though. Blowhorn problems are just as big of a drag as boyfriends but not quite as big of a drag as girlfriends. Seven hundred members of the other bands joined STNNNG on stage at the end of their set. It was a riot. Too bad that blowhorn didn't work. Blowhorns make for good riot control.

Last band to play was Sicbay. Twenty seconds of research on the myspace has told me that Sicbay was a band, then they weren't a band, but now they are a band again. This sort of thing is a big deal among fans, right, and there was a bit of that excitement in the air as they played. I could feel it. And I didn't even know. Sicbay had a nice set, and for a band that was a band then wasn't but now is again they were pretty tight, right? However, they only had three members to their band, and so it was a little anti-climactic after the previous two sets, with two thousand members each. You know.

During the Sicbay set I began to catch wind of some sort of joke about juggalo. Once again, I was the only one who did not know what was going on. A nice woman who is on the board (perhaps it is the mysterious electronic friend who I am not?) explained to me that it is something like this. Okay. I still don't get it. But I took a quiz, and I am not a TRUE Juggalo.

Are You a TRUE Juggalo Your Result: At least you tried.. Nope. Quit the mainstream. Stop being a pooch and don't be afraid of clowns. You need to have a few Faygos, get some CDs, and learn the Dark Carnival. But until then.. F.T.F.O.!!!
Juggahoe Alert!! Load your glocks!!
Almost.. but keep tryin'.
DowN wIT dA KloWn tiLL YoU dEAd iN Da GRoUnd!
Are You a TRUE Juggalo

I am so confused.